Those Darn Shippings!
by Wakkomonkey9258
Summary: Me poking fun at all the shippings of Star Wars. From Anakin/Padme to Shaak Ti/Grievous and even Sidious/Mace Windu all ships are allowed. WARNING: strong language and dirty humor, proceed with caution. NOW WITH SPECIAL KOTOR PAIRINGS.
1. And So We Begin

Those Darn Shippings

Disclaimer: If I did own star wars I would wipe these shippings from the face of the earth. MWAHAHAHAHA!

**ANIME **

**(Anakin and Padme) **

Anakin is a whiny, emo crackhead who wouldn't know acting if it hit him on the side of the head. I'm telling you he probably broke the code so it would get him chicks, you know like that stripper-jedi Ayla Secura. The guys got major issues including narcissism, no talentism, stoneheadism, and just plain idiotism. He must be desperate if he fell for Padme who's got the IQ level of a two year old and the body of an old fart. I mean, Anakin thought Obi-wan was cheating with Padme. If he had used common sense he would have remembered that Obi-wan is way too gay for Padme. Hey that Rhymed!

Padme is a naïve little know it all that was too weak for child birth and a total loser. Her hair styles are so abnormal Anakin stayed on the battlefield for as long as possible and just made out with Asoka (weird image) Padme is a total hypocrite who is constantly preaching PEACE! Despite the fact she constantly dukes it out with the separatists without batting an eyelash. Plus their eye colors look stupid together, brown and blue? Like smearing chocolate sauce on the sky.

**OBIDALA **

**(Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padme) **

I got to tell you guys, either Obi-wan was desperate after Siri died or Padme's just a slut, take your pick. Obi-wan is way too vain for his own good, he changed his hairstyle three times, THREE! Plus his hair color is really confusing, in the first movie he had like brown hair, in the second movie he had BLONDE hair, and yet people describe his hair in the third movie as REDDISH-BROWN. How is it you go from brown to blonde to reddish brown, TELL ME! Seriously though, I could imagine these two going at it while Anakin wasn't looking because Padme would think she was "keeping the peace" or some similar hippie crap.

Padme, as I've said, is a naïve not-pacifist who is probably related to Qui-gon because of how much of a hippie she is, she's probably smoking some "Tree" with Qui-gon on the weekends. Padme is of course an idiot, who probably dyed her blonde hair brown and uses big words to disguise her stupidity. Hell, Padme probably doesn't even know the meaning of smart, much less was smart. Not to mention, because she's just that much of a bitch, if Anakin found out she was cheating on him she'd probably trick him and Obi-wan into becoming her slave, she is a female pimp Dammit!

**GRIEVAAK (Grievous AND Shaak Ti) **

Whoever made this screwed up ship was either an idiot or he or she was too busy jacking off to notice what the hell they were doing, I vote for both. Grievous is a blood thirst jedi killer who is all whiny about being a droid. Truthfully the guy's a cyborg and atleast he still has a heart despite the fact it's probably a black one. Now note the words bloodthirsty, jedi and killer. Now if you put those words together you get a hidden message that says: Shaak is going to die. The guy kills jedi for a reason and a jedi master falls for him? WTF!

Shaak just looks like a stereotypical demoness, red skin, horns, and sharp togruta teeth? Yeah that's totally normal. Not to mention she's probably a lesbian since she hangs out with Padme and they probably sneak off every night to go to some strip club. Also, whats up with her lightsaber? In pictures she's got a purple lightsaber yet in the force unleashed she has a blue one. Someone mind explaining that because I have no idea and I'm not in the mood to play Sherlock Holmes. So what, do you ask, is the moral of this ship? Make sure you do that in the bedroom got it?

**SIRIWAN (Obi-wan Kenobi and Siri Tachi) **

Ah Siri, our favorite sociopathic tomboy. The woman is the very definition of man-women and I can see why Obi-wan would be repulsed; she's probably got a small rack. I am almost certain she is a masochist; I could have sworn I saw her cackle evilly while she crashed her star fighter like the stereotypical blonde she was. Or maybe she was too stupid to realize she was dyeing I don't know. Anyway, I'm sure nobody misses Tachi because I sure as hell don't, the creeps me out and takes stupidity to a whole nother level.

Obi-wan must have been real desperate when he discovered the blonde bimbo that was Siri Tachi. His friends probably bet him he wouldn't get layed in twenty-four hours so he went looking for a blonde idiot who he could easily coerce into hitting the sack with him. But enough with the euphemisms, in the end Obi-wan won five hundred credits and Siri was as stupid as ever. Sometimes I think her and Jar Jar should get together, yes the perfect idiotic couple.

**QUI-MI (Qui-gon Jinn and Shmi Skywalker) **

I don't have jack shit to say about Shmi since no one gives a crap about her.

The same cannot be said for Qui-gon however. He's a full blown hippie who's always spouting off about "standing up to the man and flipping off the system" and any other marijuana induced statements he can make. He spends most of his time smoking some "Tree" as he calls it and playing a flute and wearing a turban. He always "upright and righteous" which both basically mean the same exact thing, but no one has the courage to tell him that because they don't want him to "Get all up on their asses" what ever that means. Anyway I could actually see this pairing working since Shmi seems like the "Tree sipper" type. Atleast Anakin would be less whiny.

**OBITRESS (Obi-wan Kenobi and Asajj Ventress) **

AUG! what is the matter with you people, this is just like GRIEVAAK only reversed. Asajj is a slightly insane homicide obsessed assassin who wouldn't know the word victory if it slapped her. The woman can't win a duel period and she's lost every assignment she has ever gotten and she is a terrible flirter. I'm almost sure she's got something for Grievous, she just won't admit it. What is up with women anyway? Every woman in star wars either knows how to kick ass or is force sensitive why can't all woman be like that in our world? Can't anyone see my vision?

From what I've seen, Obi-wan has tried and failed multiple times to get Asajj to kiss him but instead has gotten a lightsaber to the throat several times. Sometimes think Obi-wan changed his hair color to reddish-brown because red and brown are Asajj's favorite color. I swear the guy's got so many ships he should be considered a pimp. You've got Padme, Siri, Asajj, Satine, when will the madness end, **WHEN**!

Remember, this is not meant to be taken seriously, only for laughs. Please give me requests! I can't live without them please! Oh, yeah and review to.

-Wakkomonkey9258


	2. SLASH!

SLASH!

Disclaimer: if I owned anything I wouldn't be writing this.

On request of one my reviewers this entire chapter is devoted to slash pairings. (I have nothing against homosexuality)

**OBIKAN (Anakin skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi) **

Sigh, and here I thought I was free of Obi-wan's pimpness. Apparently he thought all of his female ships weren't stupid enough so he turned to the even stupider Anakin skywalker, whiner extraordinaire. Well if Obi-wan thought he'd seen stupid he hasn't anything yet. The jackass who created this ship apparently thought pairing up an idiot with a whining idiot would net him a "romantic" and "heartbreaking" story but all he got was my burning retinas. It's even worse when they make lemons betweens the two because the descriptions send me into cardiac arrest and it's just plain awkward since I'm a guy.

Anakin is of course an idiot, and why anyone would fall for him, a whiny emo kid with emotional problems, is beyond me. Obi-wan probably didn't want to give him the talk because Anakin would probably start bawling about how Obi-wan "turned against him" I feel bad for the writers of this ship since they have to keep Anakin in character which is emotional and an idiot. Plus the whole cut off your limbs thing would kind of be a turn off for both of them, plus Anakin burst into flame, most likely eliminating his ability to do that.

**WINDUOUS (Mace Windu and Darth Sideous) **

I swear when finish writing this I will cast the maker of this ship into HELL! I mean, who would be idiotic enough to make this ship? Mace Windu is the only African American in the prequels (so much for equality) and has a girly little purple lightsaber. Why would you want a purple lightsaber, you would probably get teased so much no wonder he's usually such a jerk. Not to mention he is way to "dark chocolate for such a "skinny white bitch" and not to mention they're mortal enemies and mace is bald, so that's a turn off. Mace is most likely the only intelligent being in star wars because he knows when you face a sith lord, you kill him not keep him alive to save your pansy ass wife.

Palpatine is a two hundred year old sith lord with the face of a rodian who took a shotgun blast to the face and the voice of boomer from left for dead. Most people think he's intelligent but he's really not. All he does is say "everything is going as I have foreseen" or some other mystical crap. I am almost convinced he's a relative of Qui-gon since all he does is make marijuana induced statements. The guy can't fight for shit, oh yay he beat a little green midget hurray! Another reason this ship wouldn't work, his obsession with force lightning. During sex he'd probably send lightning into mace instead of that stuff.

**SIRIME (Siri Tachi and Padme Amidala) **

Great, now we've got the blonde idiot with the brunette idiot, wonderful. These two are the single greatest female idiots around with Asajj coming in at third. They're total bimbos that probably belong together because only an idiot would want to be with them, the words Obi-wan and Anakin come to mind. Padme is of course a not-pacifist, most likely sister of Qui-gon and a woman who brings stupidity to a whole new level. In fact, she's so stupid she doesn't even know she is stupid which is really, really stupid. As I've said her hair styles are ridiculous especially the bun thing which looks like a cinnamon bun, only rotten to the core. Hell if Padme should be paired up with anyone it should be with duchess Satine, a fellow blonde idiot and non-pacifist.

Siri is a blonde who slept with Obi-wan because she's a pathetic transsexual who's way to man-like to be a woman. I mean really, she's like mulan only reversed and it's really, really transparent. Now the fact that she's practically a guy doesn't even make this a slash pairing at all, but everyone's too much of an idiot to notice much. She has tried and failed several time to seduce men, hell she's probably even tried chat roulette and we all know that's just a bunch of guys jacking off so that technically makes her gay…

**GRIEVU (General Grievous and Count Dooku) **

I thought things would start looking up but they've only turned worse. This ship is just as bad as WINDUOUS and that stuff was just plain horrible. Okay first off, Dooku is like seventy years old and is probably a virgin. He can't keep a secret for crap as he told Obi-wan right out that sideous was controlling the senate which was a total give away anyway. His so called "skills" are weak beyond imagination and why sideous would want the help of a weak ass old fart is beyond me, maybe sideous has a thing for him, I don't know. Why Dooku would have a thing for grievous when he doesn't even fight in any battles is really ridiculous as he's probably only got one pound of muscle.

Grievous is a cyborg that gets paired up with way to many characters for it to be normal. I mean first the demoness Shaak Ti and now the Weak fart known as Count Dooku? This cannot be normal. As I've said the guy got blown up in a shuttle crash and half his body was blown off, including his you-know-what so that kind of ruins the concept of sex as I'm sure that even if grievous did have one, it would probably be pretty small. Now as for looks they probably aren't so great as a lot of his face was blown off and he lacks lips, so yeah so much for romance. If I had to choose a pairing for this guy it would probably be Shaak Ti because atleast she kind of looks hot in a strange alien-ish way.

**OBIXAN (Obi-wan Kenobi and Xanatos) **

Xanatos is a failed jedi padawan who was too much of a wimp to finish some pointless trials that seem difficult but really wasn't. The only redeeming quality about the guy is that he was a dark jedi and instead of facing death like a man he pointlessly committed suicide which served no other purpose other than to add further angst which wasn't necessary in the first place. Xanatos was once Qui-gon's apprentice and amazingly he didn't become an idiot or a hippie which is a good thing because we don't need anymore Qui-gons running around and "flipping off the system." He's also one of Obi-wan's arch enemies which kind of tears down the romance. Seriously that's like the batman and the joker getting together and if that ever find that ship I will kill someone.

Obi-wan apparently knows how to raise the dead and make friends out of enemies, maybe he's not such an idiot after all…oh wait, he can't. Obi-wan is still as pimp as always (And not in a good way) as he's got just about every male character lusting after him along with almost every other female and every other bisexual (Siri, and most likely, Palpatine) and or transsexual. I'm surprised that that Obi-wan isn't bisexual with how many males and females are "charging up his loading ramp." It's unfortunate that almost every person lusting after Obi-wan is either a blonde idiot or a total freak, in a way I feel sorry for him, but hey he attracts the weirdoes.

Well, that's chapter two, thank you for the reviews and please give me requests I beg you!

-Wakkomonkey9258


	3. EU

EU

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

On request of one of my reviewers these are all EU couples

**JAING (Jaina Solo and Jag Fel) **

Great, now not only are their now five skywalkers, they have also inherited their father's and grandfather's whininess'. Jaina solo is an unfortunate descendant of Anakin who like her mother has the IQ level of a two year old. Has anyone noticed that every EU ship is horribly ironic? Seriously, Luke married a former emperor's hand, Jacen turned into a sith lord and still had children, its all just horrible. Jaina Solo managed to survive the Yuzhan Vong war because 1) Jaina's wimpiness astounded them so much, they created a new god in her honor, Yun coward, and 2) they fabricated all those stories about her "bravery" because all she did was play super Mario galaxy on the WII (She failed horribly at that to) Every person in Jaina's squad died on the first day because of her rather horrible leadership skills and her brothers always pulling the dumbest stunts.

Jag Fel is ironically the leader of the imperial remnant, and yet he likes Jaina who serves the republic, irony anyone? Jag is always getting into fights with Zekk over Jaina's affection, but why he would be jealous of a dirty wanna-be gangster is beyond me. The guy could have any female in the galaxy and he fell for Mrs. Whiny? This guy must lack common. And just because anything is possible, he could probably get any man in the galaxy too. And just because he's such a dirty prick, he made himself emperor too, asshole.

**JAZZ (Jaina Solo and Zekk) **

Zekk is a wanna-be gangster with an attitude disorder and looks way too dark sided to be a jedi. The guy apparently thinks that if you're raised on the streets and raped a few times you're an official gangster. He needs to get with the times; everyone knows you have to commit mass murder to be a gangster, that's why Kyp will always be better than him but I'll get to Durron later. The guy fell to the dark side once which apparently made him think he was badass but he's really not, all he is a guy who needs a hug. From a transvestite.

Jaina Solo I could imagine would probably always be like one of those stern housewives if she ever got together with Zekk. You know Zekk would come home and she demand why he was so dirty and that that was her favorite suit and yadda, yadda, yadda. Afterward they would probably start making out while Jag spied on them and burst into mournful, angst filled tears. Also I just want to say, Jaina is like the new Obi-wan only a woman and with less options since she's not a bisexual. Plus people would mistake the couple for Jazz band because of the ship's especially ridiculous name.

**TANAKIN (Anakin Solo and Tahiri Veila) **

Anakin Solo had the misfortune of being named after his grandfather and was ridiculed mercilessly by his brother and sister who were even bigger idiots that Anakin, they were just too stupid to realize it. Ironically, Anakin fell in love Tahiri who was the adopted daughter of tusken raiders which is stupid considering Anakin skywalker murdered a whole tribe of lot. Of course when Anakin told this to Tahiri, it only served to turn her on and they scored with each other (**HOT)** Anakin shared his namesake's intellect or lack their of and was frequently locked in a sound proof vault by Luke Skywalker, who atleast retained some common sense. Thankfully, Solo died on a mission Mykyr because her sister wasn't paying any attention and destroyed the rope bridge he was about to cross, stranding him on the other side to be devoured by those voxyn things.

Ah yes Tahiri, the sand person who got adopted by sand people for no apparent reason, seriously how did she survive when dozens others were slaughtered, it makes no damn sense. The woman's got major issues like being emo and blonde. When Anakin Solo got killed off for no apparent reason, she cut herself in over seventy places including her vegi- Ahem, please excuse the interruption, I can only take the language so far, or atleast that's what Sideous said… anyway, Tahiri became Caedus' (AKA Jacen Solo's) sith apprentice because she had grown super obsessed with Anakin, like seeing hallucinations of him, you know like that bitchy chick from twilight. Anyway after she banged with Jacen for a little she got bored with him and rejoined the light for no apparent reason. Yeah I know, tragic.

**KAINA (Jaina Solo and Kyp Durron) **

Kyp Durron was an idiotic gangster who fell to the darkside for practically no reason. Now you guys tell me if this makes any sense: Kyp thought his brother died, so to avenge his brother he killed his brother. Yep, that's basically what happened, Kyp idiotically thought his brother died so to avenge he killed him, real poetic. And get this; he destroyed an entire star system and killed about twenty five million people yet he's a jedi master and Jaina likes him? Yeah that completely normal. Jaina of course would probably think genocide meant free pizza so the Jaina thing I can believe. This ship is really annoying since Jaina's already got two other ships to deal with so another one in the mix is ridiculous.

Jaina is just unbelievable, she's got three guys a possibly some girls chasing after her, this is just like Obi-wan all over again and we all know what happened to him. In short he turned into total old man with white hair when he was only like forty-eight or something, it's ridiculous. Anyway I'm going to keep this short since I've reiterated just about everything I need to say about her so goodnight to her.

**LUKARA (Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade) **

Yep, now we've got to talk about Lukey boy. Luke Skywalker unfortunately got most of Anakin's genes so he was born with a Compulsive Whining Disorder, or CWD. He did however get some things from his mother, including sudden strikes of PMS and the ability to bleed out of his- um, how about we move on. Obi-wan saw how much of a whiner Luke would be in the future so he gave him to Own and Beru so they could deal with it. In fact, Luke got so annoying; the Owen purposely threw Luke into a Krayt Dragon's lair only to be saved by Obi-wan which was why Owen yelled at him to stay away. Luke then became a so called "Hero" and fought Vader, nearly died several times and made the Emperor go deaf with his loud screams. He then somehow recreated the jedi order, with his wimpy head leading it.

Mara Jade was an emperor's hand who apparently couldn't decide whether she was good or evil, she's supposed to kill Luke but unfortunately she fell in love with him for no apparent reason, an _emperor's hand_, irony much? That woman's killed a hell of a lot of guy's and is one of the most badass characters (which isn't saying much) and she fell for Skywalker, sometimes I swear the world is coming to an end. Now I surprisingly don't have much to say about Jade since no one really cares about her, well atleast I don't.

Thanks for reading and keep on requesting you guys, remember, all ships are allowed even if they don't make any sense!

-Wakkomonkey9258


	4. Weirdoes

Weirdoes

Disclaimer: I don't own nothin'.

THANK YOU TWO MY REVIEWERS FOR THE REQUESTS!

**VADOTHMA (Darth Vader and Senator Mon Mothma) **

Okay I don't want to point fingers but I find it slightly disturbing that you guys can come up with these things, but anyway… now, how did Vader come to be you ask? Well he killed the only good character in the saga, allied with a fruitcake, killed the jedi with his sheer emoness, also killed the seperatists, then he choked his wife cause when you fall to the dark side that's the kind of stuff that turns you on apparently, then he got his ass handed to him by Obi-wan somehow. Then the fruitcake decided to be a total dick and put him in the suit. Now, Vader and Mothma are arch enemies, empire vs. rebellion which is the only reason I need to say this ship makes absolutely no sense. Vader is still as whiny as ever and he might hold a secret longing for sideous…

ANYWAY, Mothma is a politician who was probably getting it on with bail before she even met Vader. Now she herself is a wimp, and all she does is talk about her sexual obsession to bothans, and by die she meant locked away in her bathroom…naked. Now despite that strange scarring image now in my head, I also have to say that Admiral Ackbar WOULD TOTALLY PWN! I think Mothma has a thing for him to but he knew not to fall for it because he knew IT WAS A TRAP! Mothma is very weird looking, she's got like wide eyes but she's really thin, it's like really weird looking.

**VADOUS (Darth Vader and Darth Sideous) **

Well I know I'm going to be having a few nightmares this week. Sideous is a sadistic old guy who cackles way too much for it to be normal, maybe he's secretly having orgasms under his robe I don't know. Well. I just scored myself a few more nightmares but seriously, he and Vader are probably flirting when no one's looking… What? Hey it could still happen. Anyway Vader got his legs cut off and burned into a fish stick so taking him out of his armor to kiss him would result in A) asphyxiation B) insane amount of pain or C) coughing fits like that cyborg grievous. So yeah, the concept of physical romance between these two is not only impossible but also just plain disturbing.

Vader is well, Vader. He'd probably be to busy moaning and groaning like an old guy over Padme that any of the emperor's advances would be for naught. Plus, if Vader's gay then that means Luke's gay which is kinda weird. Now if leia were gay that I would read. I just find it weird that people even write this stuff, and smut is just a death trap. Besides, Sideous is probably too old to remember what sex is and Vader would be…Vader.

**LUMIWAN (Luminara Unduli and Obi-wan Kenobi) **

Luminara is a weed addict who smoked so much weed, her skin turned green. She taught Qui-gon how to smoke a joint, crack and any other illegal drug she possessed, which was about all of them. Now she gets away with it because she says her species had green skin which was a total lie. Everyone knows that if you're green you either A) smoke weed or B) rolled around in radioactive waste, and the jedi council in their normal idiocy decided she was radioactive when she was smoking a joint right in front of them. Anyway she fought in the war and somehow won a few battles despite the fact she was high on most of them but whatever, I blame the droids because they can't hit anything.

Well after doing it with both Siri and Padme AND Asajj Obi-wan started looking for some unfortunate new meat. He eventually found Luminara and had a few kids with her before having a four way with Asajj, Padme, Siri, and Luminara and they all had kids. Padme had Luke and Leia (I know, it surprised me too) Asajj had Assaj (I know, real difference) Siri had Han Solo (DUH!) and Luminara had Barris Offee (Accelerated growth, she was only two when she died) so yea Obi-wan was a father but he didn't know because Dooku got all parent on Asajj and took Assaj to an adoption agency, no one cared about Barris, Han Solo ran away when Siri wouldn't give him an Indiana Jones hat, and Luke and Leia is obvious unless you've been living in a cave.

**QUITTO (Qui-gon Jinn and Watto) **

This ship makes less sense than any other and anyone who's written it is just plain weird. Watto is a flying sack of dibshit who thinks owning slaves makes him a pimp. Well since Watto has no crotch to speak of I don't know how Qui-gon would get his…you know… that thing, oh okay this is way too awkward. This ship single handedly makes VADOUS look like two strippers in a closet cause this takes perverted to a whole new level. Anyone who is stupid enough to write this better have a death wish because I think this ship deserves a JESUS ONLY rating.

Why Qui-gon would fall for that thing is beyond me, the guy may be a hippie but he's not a total idiot, okay he is but still no one is that stupid. It would be really random for him to "like like" Watto because he's only met him once and he's a few feet taller. Plus Watt has a phobia of hippies because of their policies of slave rights, like the new Martin Luther King Jr. or something. Even if these two did like each other no one would be as cruel as to unleash it on the internet. Not even Jar Jar could handle the disturbing images that I am imagining in my head right now, they are not nice.

**JABBO (Jabba the Hutt and Watto) **

Well, it would seem I jinxed myself because now things have gotten so gay to the point it's unnatural. Jabba is a hermaphrodite, so he's technically a bisexual since he's got male and female organs in him. Watto is a total dibshit and would probably get crushed by Jabba's weight, the fatty. Like I said, Watto has no crotch which probably left him desperate, though if he were that desperate, the galaxy was probably going to end. Plus he has no skill at all, he can't fix things and he's got a potbelly and he's a trucker, though why people call him that when he has no truck I have zero idea. I think the word hillbilly is more suitable.

Jabba is a pimp, and I'm almost sure Obi-wan got his skills in pimpness from Jabba. Plus he may have a secret longing for the rancor in his den, while that thought is disturbing it could be true. He's also got that small whipid guy, Tenacious Rum or something. He also had some "fun" with Oola and Leia behind the scenes as well if you catch my drift. So as you can see, Jabba has way too many sex toys and Watto would just be a black sheep. You can say what you want about a Jabba/Leia ship, but atleast she has something to offer even if she isn't the smartest apple in the bunch, atleast her chest is real.

Well, that's chapter four keep on requesting!

-WAKKOMONKEY9258


	5. These Make No Sense

These Make No Sense

Disclaimer: I'm George and I own…oh…wait.

**TAYLA (Darth Talon and Aayla Secura) **

This ship is hot, theirs no denying tha no matter how stupid you are. You've got the blue good-girl twi'lek and the red bad-girl Twi'lek and they both wear skimpy clothing. This ship is one of the few that I actually like because 1) Lesbianism is AWESOME! 2) They're both super hot 3) the good girl bad girl thing just makes it even better. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get down to business. Aayla Secura dresses way too hooker-ish to possibly be a full blown jedi master, so much for the no attachment rule. Aayla and Talon are so alike I'm surprised Aayla's not her grandma or something. Sometimes I think she and Ahsoka don't have this little game going on to seduce their clones, Rex Fell for Ahsoka atleast. She also fell in love with a fish head for no apparent reason.

Darth Talon was a badass sith lord who was apprenticed to Darth Krayt. She was apparently sister to Darth Wyyrlok the III wore nothing beyond a bra and panties, probably because she and Krayt got it on so much their was no point putting clothes on. Anyway, eventually Cade Skywalker came around and PWNED! Talon, he then spanked her and went off to make out with his Zeltron friend. Anyway, Krayt got angry at her for losing Skywalker and raped her a few times before getting his ass handed to him by Wyyrlok because he was apparently gay and wanted relations with Krayt but Krayt wasn't gay so he killed him, poetic.

**QUIWAN (Qui-gon Jinn and Obi-wan Kenobi) **

Obi-wan may be bisexual and vain beyond all reason but nobody can be that stupid…right? Oh wait, I forget this is Obi-wan we're talking about. Okay, every master and apprentice has had relationships. Quinlan Vos and Aayla did it, Sideous and Maul did it, Depa and Mace did it, everyone's done it they just won't admit it. These two are no different. Obi-wan, in his quest to be the greatest pimp in the galaxy, got Qui-gon drunk and did it with him, but he didn't remember it the next morning, poor Qui. Oh wait, I just remembered that I don't care. Now why people would make this ship baffles me, Qui-gon would be to high to know what the hell he was doing and Obi-wan's just doing it for street cred.

Qui-gon Jinn is the worst excuse for a jedi ever. He couldn't beat Darth Maul, _Darth Maul._ How do you even lose against Darth Maul? That guy's a total wimp and his eyes were covered in tattoo stains and you lost? The same could be said for sideous, the guy can't fight period, and beating a two foot tall turtle is not impressive. Now, how Obi-wan managed to win is beyond me, the guy's way to occupied with his hair to do jack shit, but I guess that's just life's mysteries.

**LUKEIYA (Luke Skywalker and Lumiya) **

Lumiya is an ugly-ass cat woman with so many cybernetics it makes Grievous and Vader look like Megan Fox (if that makes any sense) now Lumiya used to look pretty good actually, but then she decided she wanted to be just like her adoptive daddy Vader and purposefully crashed her shuttle into a molten river on Mustafar. She then got a make over for her birthday, as in she became the ugliest thing to hit the internet since cantaloupe and everyone hates cantaloupe, watermelon is the real melon. But I digress, the point is she tried to kill Luke and failed multiple times because her ugliness caused local authorities to arrest her for "vulgar showing of skin" when the only skin visible were her eyes, which somehow still worked. She also trained Jacen Solo in the Dark side and finally got killed off by Luke who got his intelligence from…someone in his family (definitely not his father or mother)

Luke and Lumiya liked each other for a little while, but that was when she looked sort of pretty. Luke and Lumiya got it on for a little while before Lumiya got cyborged. They became arch-enemies for no apparent reason and fought each other about three times and Lumiya lost everyone because she was a noob. You'd think a Dark _Lady _of the sith would be good enough to beat Skywalker, but like I said she's a noob. This is also why Jacen Solo sucked so badly, and became a villain that no cared about, cause I sure as hell didn't. Lumiya also had random bouts of PMS and would lay the anger and hate on thick, but even with her anger she still got owned, maybe she and maul should got together.

**OBIAUL (Obi-wan Kenobi and Darth Maul) **

Why is it people seem obsessed with making the stupidest ships, WHY! Maul is a Zabrak person who looks tough but is really a total wimp; he beat Qui-gon but that doesn't count for much since Qui-gon was high and he didn't know what the hell he was doing. He then got killed by Obi-wan of all people who are useless in anything unless you wanna lose your virginity. Now I'm pretty sure Maul didn't want to lose his virginity especially when he got everything below his waist cut off including his you-know-what so that kind of ruins it. But of course people don't listen to me, because they think I'm crazy, I AM NOT CRAZY! All I want is for someone to see reason Dammit!

Obi-wan apparently thought the enemy of my friend is my friend when he saw Maul and had plans to bang him after a pointless duel that no one cared about. Fortunately Maul died but lo and behold, Maul went to get killed and banged by Obi-wan four times. Obi-wan apparently thought that Maul's tattoos made him look "dark and sexy like a cage animal" don't ask me where I got that quote. You don't want to know… anyway, Maul got killed four more times and was resurrected for no apparent reason. I think it's because they thought he was Satan and they were demons in disguise!

**MABI (Obi-wan Kenobi and Mace Windu) **

Here I thought WINDUOUS would be the end of Mace Windu but I was wrong, because now I have another one to deal with and, big surprise, it has to do with Obi-wan. Now I know I shouldn't be surprised but really, Mace and Obi-wan? First off, Mace Windu is one of the few good characters in Star wars, and Obi-wan just had to be a douche and bang him. Mace is way to "dark chocolate" for Obi-wan but no one seems to realize that but me, hell if anyone should be a pimp in Star wars its should Mace Windu! But nooo, people just had to get obsessed and sympathetic for Obi-wan because he fought his padawan, Mace did that to.

Obi-wan is just unbelievable in his quest for UNLIMITED BANGING POWER! Now I've seen a fic about Obi-wan and Mace Windu it was just weird, I mean the story was good but you know just seeing Mace Windu get all soft like that was kind of weird, but eh, whatever floats your boat. I mean, their both jedi masters, they should know not to do that, but then again, Obi-wan always was way to perfect for it to be real. But, Mace come on man you should know not to fall for anyone, whether it is sideous or Kenobi. RESIST Dammit!

Thanks for reading and request, sorry for the wait to.

-Wakkomonkey9258


	6. Pimp Wars

**Pimp Wars **

_Thank you to all the requests, you guys make my job a lot easier._

Disclaimer: at this point, I'm glad I don't own star wars. Okay maybe I want to own it a little, but I don't own it.

**REXOKA (Ahsoka Tano and Captain Rex) **

Ahsoka Tano was introduced in the cluster-fuck of a star wars movie along with Sir Emo and Sir Pimp and Captain Rex. Now Obi-wan had requested a new padawan to bang around with so he could further his goal to be ultimate pimp, but things didn't go as planned. Ahsoka became Anakin's apprentice for no apparent reason and had some fun with him before becoming one of the most powerful pimps in the star wars fandom, even beating Obi-wan in some places. Ahsoka is, for no reason at all, commonly paired up with clone troopers with retarded ass names. I mean really, SLICK? Not to mention she's fourteen, so isn't that pedophilia?

The clone captain Rex the retarded captain was also introduced in the cluster-fuck animated movie so George could get more money, asshole. Anyway, Rex has an extremely creepy relationship with Anakin who had a nightmare one night and slept with Rex to keep the nightmares away, are you creeped out yet? Because I am. Anyway, then Ahsoka came along and immediately challenged Obi-wan to pimping contest. Ahsoka then proceeded to bang everything that moved in a seventy-five mile radius, even the droids and that doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I think Rex should be paired up with Count Dooku, you know because his sith name is Tyrannous, you know it could like _Tyrannosaurus Rex _you know both of their names in one.

**AHSECHO (Ahsoka Tano and Echo) **

Who's Echo again? Oh yeah that clone at that listening post that no one cares about. Echo is apparently a clone who follows the rules and is a homosexual. I mean it should be obvious, the way he interacts with other clones makes it really transparent, I think he's tried to seduce Rex about, uh… 7,647 times, obsession anyone? Then Ahsoka came out of nowhere and Echo suddenly turned straight and grew a pair, yeah Ahsoka can do that to people, especially when she practically wears only a bra and panties, kind of like what Obi-wan does to women. So yeah, Echo was added to Ahsoka's rapidly growing list of flings. She'd only been in the movie for five minutes for forces sake!

By the time Ahsoka got to Echo, which was about five minutes after the movie started, Ahsoka's list of bangs had already equaled up to 75,987 and it looks like we might now have two pimps to worry about, which isn't a good thing at all. In fact, George's biggest mistake in this movie was placing Ahsoka around nearly one hundred thousand hot, sweaty looking guys who look the same and are very much sex-deprived. This was the biggest problem because she and Obi-wan were constantly banging with people in the background, it's very distracting. I thought this was a freakin children's movie.

**OBISOKA (Obi-wan Kenobi and Ahsoka Tano) **

Hold on a second, I thought I just spent four paragraphs establishing the fact that these two are _enemies._ Who would make this ship; it contradicts everything I spent four paragraphs ranting on, so why am I even writing this? First off, this falls into the rape category as that is the only way I see this couple working, though who would be raping who I have no idea. It is also third degree pedophilia, which isn't exactly a good thing. Also, Ahsoka is apparently the child of Shaak Ti which doesn't make any sense since she's a lesbian but whatever. If Obi-wan tried anything Shaak would come down all pissed off and kick Obi-wan's ass, she does have horns after all.

Ahsoka would only do it with Obi-wan if she ran out of clones which is impossible as the republic seems to have an unlimited force no matter what some stupid yellow letters say. Yeah the republic seems in pretty good shape despite the fact it's "crumbling under attacks from General Grievous" yeah my ass. Anyway, what was the point of even putting Ahsoka in the movie except to give pedophiles something to look at, the movie could have easily been made without Ahsoka, then I would just have to explain why Obi-wan is an asshole, not Obi-wan and Ahsoka. You know, sometimes I think 2012 is real.

**ANISOKA (Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano) **

Okay, why does this ship annoy me so much? Well here are a few reasons to explain. First off, there are so many of these romance stories between these two its just psychotic. Second, Ahsoka is to pimping to have a single partner, she's probably got like 128 other ones. And three, Anakin's emoness with her goofy attitude just annoys me so much I can't even think about it for more than seven second or else I'll go into cardiac arrest and that isn't preferable. What's the point of this ship anyway, it's not like Ahsoka is going to settle down with anyone, that's like Bugs bunny and daffy duck getting together, and that doesn't make a lick of sense. Wait, what? Theirs ship like that? Well when the hell did that happen? What, 1973! Dammit!

Anakin is a weirdo, that fact has already been established but he's even weirder than even I could imagine if he actually liked Ahsoka. Again I ask, what was the point of making Ahsoka Anakin's padawan, was their any point at all? Yoda apparently thought it would get Anakin to finally stop crying, but all it did was add further angst. Anakin is also as oblivious as he is stupid so any attempt by Ahsoka to seduce Anakin would be for naught because he was crying so damn much. Hell, the only way Ahsoka could pull this off was if she had sex with Anakin while he was sleeping, and that's just kinda weird, but hey this is Ahsoka we're talking about.

**BANESOKA (Cad Bane and Ahsoka Tano) **

Cad Bane is yet another character shoved into our faces just to make the series seem more badass that it really is. You know, this ship is just like GRIEVAAK or WINDUOUS in that in involves two people on different sides. Not to mention it involves to completely different races which is really weird. Cad Bane is a bounty hunter made to replace Jango Fett so the Jango fans would stop crying over themselves in angstiness. Over the course of the series, Bane continually threatens and nearly kills Ahsoka several times, the only reason I hate the guy is because he failed every single time. It's mainly because Anakin began crying so much he flooded the room they were in and nearly drowned him several times.

Ahsoka, well I'm not surprised she got it on with Bane because she's just like that. Did you guys know that whenever Bane threatened her it turned her on? How do I know that? Well let's just say it involved a copy of wolfenstein, a black sun energy portal and a Thule medallion, how I got those things is a secret. Another thing that ticks me off about this ship is that there are so many stories about this ship and why that is just baffles me beyond comprehension. What did these two do to warrant such a loyal fan base is beyond me, all they did was try to kill each other a few times and gloat.

Thanks for reading, keep on requesting.

-WAKKOMONKEY9258


	7. ALIENZZZ LOL!

**ALIENZZZ! LOL! **

Disclaimer: George Lucas, you will give me star wars…Dammit!

**AALIT (Aayla Secura and Kit Fisto) **

Everything about Kit Fisto is weird. His first name's Kit, isn't that a kind of fish? His last name is Fisto, meaning he's got an obsession with punching people, and he looks like a cross between a frog and a tentacle monster. Seriously, he's got all those tentacles slingin' about so it's damn near impossible to resist the urge to sneak up behind him and pull on them like a six year old. He even got a green lightsaber, what's up with this guy and green, is he doing some tree with Luminara to? Where did this ship even come from anyway? I mean sure the guy saved Aayla a few times but really, just about every person in the universe has done that, Aayla's wicked like that, not that I'm complaining.

Aayla is blue so that must mean she's from a water planet, right? No wait, Kit is from the water planet, but then why is Aayla blue if she came from like a desert planet; I mean blue means water, right? I'm confused, why couldn't Lucas make her yellow or something, I mean making her blue kind of contradicts the fact she came from a desert planet right, or you could have made her tan or something. If Kit is green that means he was either A) smoking tree with Luminara B) rolling around in radioactivity C) or he came from a forest planet, or all of them. But Kit didn't come from a forest planet so what the hell? Ugh, I'm getting a headache.

**LUMINAYLA (Luminara Unduli and Aayla Secura)**

If you saw this couple and immediately thought "HUH?" then trust me your not the only one. Where did this ship even come from, I mean these three only saw each other a few times in the war and every time they nearly died, so that's a pretty big indicator that this ship is a bad idea. Also, last time I checked Aayla didn't do drugs so sorry Luminara. More than likely you probably never even knew Luminara existed until you read this; she's basically just an addict shoved into the background of episode two and like two seconds of screen time in episode three. So yeah I'm not blaming you for not knowing who in the shit the green lady with the joint in the background was, cause truthfully no cares at all.

Uh why? I'm still confused about why this ship exists; I mean theirs no evidence pointing toward it. Then again they said the same thing about OBIDALA and now you've got like thousands of Kenobi Amidalas running around, hell you might even be one. But that aside, I know people are eager to read about Aayla taking her clothes off, but really have standards, I mean just because Obi-wan and Ahsoka don't have any doesn't mean you shouldn't. These two are freakin incompatible anyway, because Luminara's a drug dealer and Aayla's a stripper so can anyone point out similarities between these two because I sure as hell can't.

**KITO (Plo Koon and Kit Fisto) **

Who's Plo Koon? Oh yeah that guy with the wrinkly Emperor face and the weed breather, you know his breath mask feeds him a constant line of weed. Now I know this ship makes no sense because Kit and Plo have never even met each other so it's not like they were friends to begin with. Plus, they're so different it makes me puke just thinking about them as a couple. How do we even know if Plo even has a you-know-what, he is an alien after all and Kit I suspect has like seventeen hanging off the back of his head? Did you just get a strange feeling in your stomach when you read that? Because I threw up all over the screen when I wrote it, if the rest of this makes no coherent sense now you know why. Why do people even care about these two anyway? People are usually to busy writing Anakin/Padme or Obi-wan/Siri and any other similar bullcrap to care about these guys.

Kit seemed to realize after about two fanfics were uploaded about him and Aayla after three years that no one cared about him in the least. So he decided to get it on with Koon which doesn't make any sense as no one cares about Plo Koon either. This is the problem with making ships that don't involve the main characters (Ships that do involve them are usually terrible but that's beside the point) because chances are people won't even know who the hell they are. Of course for the idiots who do realize who the hell they are they will only remember them as background characters. In fact, Kit strikes me as someone who is sort of Jamaican, I don't know why he just seems that way to me because he's always so smiley and he comes from a water planet, or something.

**MACELA (Mace Windu and Aayla Secura) **

As with every other ship above this one you are probably thinking "Huh?" or "What?" or more likely "Why?" Then trust me you're not the only one because I to was dumbfounded when I saw Mace paired up, AGAIN! Okay, I don't care how hot Aayla is, I've said it once I'll say it again: Mace Windu is way to dark chocolate for anyone! Seriously, why would someone decide to pair up one of the only badass characters in Star Wars with a background character? That doesn't make any damn sense. Whats the point of this ship anyway it's not like Mace would just break his composure after being celibate for over forty years so no offense to Windu but are you guys entirely sure Mace even knows how to do that? It's really weird how people think Mace Windu is just going to jump off the wagon even though he's way to badass to do such a thing.

Aayla is…Aayla I guess. I swear if she didn't have such high standards when it came to men I'd suspect her of being a pimp, but she's not. It's really weird to believe that when she personally selected Ahsoka's clothes (or lack their of) to match hers, and she barely wears any. Anyway I couldn't see Aayla going after Mace Windu because Mace would be so resistant to her advances because he's such a badass, that's why Mace shouldn't have any shippings at all because he's like a rock, he can hurt people but he's emotionless and won't give a crap if he does, you know like in pulp fiction except he curses a lot less, which kind of sucks but I'll work with it.

**YODDLE (Master Yoda and Master Yaddle) **

Uh, who the hell is Yaddle? Oh yeah another character in the background that no one cares or knows about. This ship makes less sense than Mace's because Yoda is the best jedi Master the order has so Yoda shouldn't be the one to break the rules if he freakin made them. Also, Yoda is eight hundred years old (or was it nine hundred?) regardless don't you think it's kind of weird for Yoda to be dating when it's probably been centuries since he took a lady to the prom so he probably out of practice. Plus his you-know-what would probably be all shriveled up and…gross so I don't think he could use it. Aside from that extremely gross topic, stay away from this ship, because more than likely you'll go into a coma for a few years wake up, and die a few seconds later when you remember what you were reading.

Okay guys lets be honest here people, who here actually knows who Yaddle is? Anyone? No? Well that answers my other twenty questions. Yaddle is apparently another Yoda (I say Yoda because there is no name for Yoda's species, I'm totally serious) anyway, what is the point of this ship besides the fact it doesn't make any plausible sense. Anyway, she apparently died doing…something, I have no idea what it was because no on cares about her! I mean who here has actually seen a YODDLE romance story anywhere on the site, because I haven't. So in conclusion, these ships make no sense GOODNIGHT!

Thanks for reading and keep on reviewing and requesting.

-WAKKOMONKEY9258


	8. CLONES! WHAT THE !

**CLONES! WHAT THE $%#%^$! **

SORRY FOR THE WAIT!

Disclaimer: if I owned star wars these clones would actually be useful. Alas, they are not.

**BLYLA (Commander Bly and Aayla Secura) **

Great, so now we're talking about clones we neither know nor care about, what is this chapter seven? Why does anyone ever bother pairing up clones, I mean we all know they're just going to die about 14.6 seconds later so it's basically makes every ship involving a clone rather useless. In fact, who the hell is Bly anyway; theirs so many clones it just makes it impossible to distinguish who is who. More than likely you've been doing it with the wrong guy, which is pretty embarrassing; I mean if you have sex with two people that'd just make you a slut which is pretty bad. Then again this is Aayla so I'm not complaining who she has sex with so long as I get to watch. You can call me a pervert all you want, but really just ask yourself, if you could watch Aayla get naked, would you say no?... I thought not.

Aayla likes clones, specifically good looking ones, it's just a fact. So when you put Aayla around a few thousand look-alike clones, the planet they happen to be on just turns into a sex orgy. If the name Ahsoka comes to mind when you read this, I'm not blaming you. Bly happened to be the 164,000 guy waiting in line outside Aayla's bedroom so I'm not at all surprised this ship is even in existence. Only problem is, people don't know who the hell Bly was in the first place, he only had like thirteen seconds of screen time in episode three, and like an asshole he killed Aayla because he was jealous of just about everyone else. I know, feel free to screw the guy over when you see him, because I will. Dibshit.

**CODYWAN (Commander Cody and Obi-wan Kenobi) **

So now we have yet another unfortunate clone guy who fell under the powers of Obi "Soprano" Kenobi. Now Cody is yet another clone we never know or care about that has slightly more screen than any other clone combined, which isn't much. In fact Cody doesn't even do much in the screen time he does have. In his first scene, he and Obi-wan "make a plan "in Obi-wan's cockpit, in his second scene, he picked up one of Obi-wan's dropped condom, and in his third scene he gave Obi-wan his "lightsaber" back. As you can tell none of these scenes are wanted or desirable for the male sex and I was puking all over my seat, thus getting myself expelled from that particular movie theatre and stunned with a taser for loitering…and third degree murder, but that's another story.

Why do I even bother ranting on Obi-wan these days, I mean we all knew this was coming right? This is Obi-wan after all. I mean what can I possibly do to stop Obi-wan from waging cum-covered war with Ahsoka? Absolutely nothing, but it's still really funny to talk shit about him and he can't do jack shit about it, which is why I shall continue talking, wait what was I saying? So back to the matter at hand, who here is actually surprised, because if you are you obviously haven't been paying attention to the past seven chapters, how about you read something for once in your life and then come back.

**REXY (Captain Rex and Commander Cody) **

Well now we've got two equally unimportant characters that we all equally don't care about. Everyone knows these guys died a total 74,655 times during the whole movie and TV series and the movie, the jedi had a lot of look a like replacements, just saying. Anyway both of these two are horrible shots and shouldn't even be in the army, the kaminoans were just total dicks and couldn't tell smart from asshole, hell they thought two plus two equaled the square root of pizza, they don't even have a square root of pizza. So yeah it was a really bad idea to hire a bunch of long neck hill Billies living on a water planet with no connection to the outside galaxy, but hey that's the jedi council for you.

People don't seem to realize that these two didn't even live in the same platoon, plus Rex was already doing it with Anakin and Cody with Obi-wan so there is absolutely no room for a relationship period, but then again Obi-wan would just get them together in a three way. Other than that though theirs about 0 reasons for this ship existing outside of Obi-wan, which is a pretty depressing thought but whatever. Anyway, both Cody and Rex died anyway so it doesn't make much of a difference anyway, unless ghosts can do it together, if they can, we're screwed because then Obi-wan can screw every dead person IN THE UNIVERSE!

**BOILER (Waxer and Boil) **

Who the hell are these guys, two clones we once again don't know or care about? If you don't know who these guys are let me jog your memory. Waxer and boil are the clones who save the little twi'lek girl on Ryloth, who she is another story but let me break it down for you. Waxer is the good clone who wanted to save the little girl from starvation, murder, and robo-rape. Boil was the asshole who wanted to leave her behind so she could die, and these are the good guys? You see now how this ship makes no sense? If you don't think of it this way: Waxer is a twisty donut and Boil is burnt charcoal, you see these two are just horrible together thus, they can't make a very good power coupling. Not to mention their clones, meaning they probably died after George Lucas lost interest in them so…yeah.

Boil is the asshole who wanted to let a five year old child get killed by a group of droids; does anyone suspect a double agent? Seriously, I thought clones were supposed to be compassionate not a bunch of total sadistic dibshits; the guy needs to take some therapy, that's what I think. In fact I rather hope Boil gets tortured to death via Barnie so that he may learn the ultimate punishment, watching every episode back to back with Zero commercials and all sing alongs. You hear me Boil! I'm coming for you, you Bastard, go to a lake and jump in, and be careful not to reemerge, you hear? Anyway now that we got that out of the way I am going to go torture Boil in the Underworld, see ya!

**ECHIVES (Echo and Fives) **

What, have you guys not read the last four paragraphs detailing why no clone ships make any sense? Do I have to spell it out for you? Probably not, I'm still going to do it anyway. What the hell kind of name is Echo? That goes double for the dumbass of a name "Fives". Fives? What is the reason for calling a clone fives, does he have five fingers, and well if he has five fingers then I want to have a nickname, maybe Sevif. For those of you with a retina disorder I'll just come out and say that's Fives backwards, if it's not extremely obvious. Anyway back to the matter at hand why call some guy Echo? Does he have **Echo**location? If he does then I'm confused why they didn't make him a blood sucking vampire, which would make him kind of memorable. But then they'd be stealing from Twilight, but wait Edward doesn't drink human-

So not only do their names make no sense, they also haven't seen any combat whatsoever. Seriously they have never seen any kind of combat at all except for arm wrestling. Hell, they're even freakin' virgins. There are only men on that station…alone…with practically no commanding officers, but of course I'm not hinting at anything…gay-ish, no they are perfectly straight…sort of. So yeah, they are useless in every way but they still get membership into the five-oh-first, why? They didn't even do anything; the only one who sort of did something is heavy. But of course he could have lived if he had oh I don't know… PLUGGED IN THE BOMB! You think the droid intelligence is bad. So in conclusion clones are idiots, PEACE!

A/N- remember, do not take this seriously! I don't mean what I say (okay for some I do) but most of them I don't please don't hurt me.

-WAKKOMONKEY9258


	9. WTF

**WTF? **

**Disclaimer- if I owned star wars Ahsoka wouldn't exist and Anakin would be brave and-**

**VUKE (Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader) **

So now I'm forced to talk about the most incest filled relationship of this entire doomed fandom. Okay, so first off these two are bitter enemies, well at first. Luke is of course an idiot so this ship actually has a chance of existing, here's how I think it went: "Well since I already screwed with Leia, I might as well have a "lightsaber duel" with Vader while no ones looking, you know when he cut off my hand I felt a lot of my blood divert downwards, if you know what I mean." Now if that's not enough to convince you, their's just this really small fact, I think it's Vader CAN'T TAKE OFF HIS SUIT WITHOUT DIEING YOU BLOODY IDIOTS! But you know, that fact is totally not important, it's not like he'll die of asphyxiation thus causing Luke to turn emo thus killing himself from an overdose of crack. Nope, not at all.

So apparently despite getting his ass kicked Vader or Anakin or whatever you call him these days still retained his total mental problems, and before you ask yes he still cried like a bitch. That is exactly how he beat the rebels at Hoth, he cried so many hot tears he melted the entire planet's snow and ice supply and Hoth became a spa resort. Oh and thousands of imperials and rebels drowned in ice water and the wampas became extinct you know all in a days work. Now I hate to give credit to anyone of these characters but I'll just say it. Sideous, thank you so freakin much for killing Vader I hope you only burn **lightly **down in hell, you know just to a crisp.

**LAWN (leia Organa Solo and Thrawn –what's his name) **

Thrawn's name is stupid, and so is every other chiss' name, it's just a fact. So instead people started calling him by a much easier to pronounce "Thrawn" though where the inspiration for that came from I have no idea. Apparently, he was an important enough character that he got his own trilogy which is stupid considering the guys an idiot. Don't believe any of the crap those EU books throw around the real Thrawn was an idiot. The only reason he nearly beat the New Republic was because 1) Mothma was too busy kidnapping Bothans to care 2) Luke and everyone else was to busy fighting some unimportant war with some unimportant race called the Yuuzhan Vong who were In no way dangerous , but that's Skywalker for you.

Leia is so annoying it's almost suicidal. I'm not kidding you thought Anakin was whiny she makes him look like an actually enjoyable person to be around. She was so whiny she could win a senate session in two seconds flat; I'll let you choose where she got that trait from. Anyway she married Han Solo because he and I quote "Threw me on the bed ripped my pants off and (CENSORED AND THEN HE (CENSORED) with his pinky finger (CENSORED, CENSORED, CENSORED!) I'll let your imagination take care of the rest. Anyway how could Leia possibly be in love with Thrawn it doesn't make any sense. I mean could you guys shout in the middle of passion "Mitth'raw'nuruodo!" you know how awkward and weird that would be?

**JAR- JAR PALPATINE (Jar- Jar Binks and Palpatine) **

So now I have the misfortune of speaking about Jar-Jar the guy with no English or as he is also known as "that mutated rabbit" Jar-Jar is the single most terrible character of every possible way and is so dumb that even my most comprehensive parts of my brain could make absolutely no sense of the jumbled crap of a turd that they dare call a person. Jar-Jar and Palpatine getting together is the most disgusting and gay relationship I have ever had the misfortune of ever seeing in my life. Who would be so evil as to put this on the internet? Wait a second… OBI-WAN!

Palpatine is even more moronic than I thought if he actually liked Jar-Jar. I knew Palpatine needed Jar-Jar but I didn't know he needed to have him that badly, ugh shit. Why do I even bother, people will always be making stupid ships, which means more chapters which equals more reviews so everything works out. But there are just so many WHY! Ugh, so anyway Palpatine is a total idiot for liking Jar-Jar and I hope he he's happy when Jar-Jar spouts out little sith gungans, who are just as ugly as both their fathers. Come on you know it's true.

**AHSOKATRESS (Ahsoka Tano and Asajj Ventress) **

RAAAAAAAH! Ahsoka's back again, son of a bitch! For some reason I'm not surprised, oh yeah because Ahsoka is a total slut. Anyway so unfortunately Ventress cheated on Obi-wan and did it with Ahsoka, you know after she touched her- anywho so after that Obi-wan found out and he and Ahsoka had a massive battle which ended with half the universe's people losing their virginity and thirty million planets being destroyed when billions of ships suddenly lost control when they saw billions of naked bodies, yeah… I hate those guys.

So Ventress decided to be an idiot and fell for Ahsoka which spawned the single worst catastrophe in the universe. You see now why Ventress is such an idiot. Why is it that every female in star wars wears very little clothes? Aayla, Ahsoka, Ventress none of them wear anything modest. Was George trying to let us know that dressing scantily will land you in a movie? Seriously what was George's plan from the very beginning? Ironically the only ones who wear any kind of clothing are Padme and Siri which is extremely ironic. I swear when I find Ahsoka I will kill her so badly she will never take her clothes off, I swear!

**BARISOKA (Barris Offee and Ahsoka Tano) **

So Barris was a hyper growth accelerated child of Luminara Unduli and one of Ahsoka's more used playmate. Barris is technically two, which makes this entire relationship technically pedophilia, isn't that great? I got enough of that crap from Sideous, you know he lures children into his totally not suspicious black van and they're never seen again… anyway Ahsoka and Barris are constantly teamed up (a very bad mistake they'll eventually pay for) And Barris also does weed with Luminara on the weekends, along with any other illegal drug you can think of. In a way I feel sorry for her, constantly being stolen away by Ahsoka, why couldn't she have died in "Brain Invaders" or whatever it's called.

So yet again I'm forced to talk about Ahsoka. Why? Because people can't seem to realize she is wholly evil and continue to make ships about her, its heartbreaking man, it's heartbreaking. Soon enough she'll be doing Luminara too, the horror! So other than pedophilic remarks why the hell is Barris wearing some actual clothes, I'm serious Barris is one of the only females who actually wears clothes. That's ironic considering she's going out with Ahsoka, it's the closest to a perfect character I've ever seen and I'd hug her if could, alas I cannot. I only hope she died quickly, damn clones, I'll eat their brains out and castrate them, because they're dicks.

A/N I am so sorry for the wait, don't kill me!


	10. Tenth Chapter Special

**WAKKOMONKEY PRESENTS... **

**THE TENTH CHAPTER SPECIAL! **

And if you don't laugh I'll rip out you voice box then shove it up your ass

But you know no pressure…

**THE BADASS DISCLAIMER:** yes, even the disclaimer is badass, though I still don't own star wars. Someday though, someday…

**JAM (Jango Fett and Zam Wessel) **

So now we go into the most convoluted and totally one sided relationship known as, oh god, **JAM**. Now I won't even bother going into a ten minute rant on how that name is so weird and fucking ridiculous because no one gives a crap. So now lets move on to the parasite we unfortunately know as Zam Wessel. Zam Wessel is a shapeshifter, who apparently has mastered the art of fucking everything up. I mean seriously when you stoop to putting glass into a politician's breakfast cereal to kill them, you know something's wrong. She's a damn shapeshifter, you'd think that would be useful but it's not. This is so mind boggling it makes the prequels seem actually plausible. Why the hell would Jango keep her around, well their's two possibilities. Either Zam's a pedophile going after Boba, or Jango's just an idiot. So take your picks, it's probably both though.

You know, I'm just saying but don't you think Durge would be you know cooler. Instead he went with the female, who doesn't even show any skin. Usually I'd be happy about this, but when you can transform into such hot species like twi'leks, or togrutas, or zeltron, but no she has to wear a full body suit, Dammit. Obviously Jango lacks common sense, or he's gay and lacks common sense. I mean when you've got a female who can transform into Megan Fox, you tend to take advantage of it. Instead though, Jango decides to be modest about it, what an asshole.

**JANGOBA (Jango Fett and Boba Fett) **

This is the most implausible and stupid relationship I've ever seen, there are so many things disturbing about this ship that I puked on an old guy while read it on my touch. He nearly dragged me into his black van too… anyway, I knew Jango was into the opposite sex I didn't know he was that into guys though, what an asshole. If he's not a pedophiliac, then this ship makes no sense because you know he **died.** Like I've said before unless ghosts can screw each other (if they can we're screwed) then there is no way this can work, but if it did work then well we would all die when the sun imploded and spongebob turned out to be real, then we'd all be fucked.

Does anyone suspect a three way with Obi-wan, I mean come on it was only inevitable; no one can resist Obi-wan's advances. As depressing as that thought is, who here finds it fishy that Obi-wan and Jango mysteriously disappeared in that asteroid field with absolutely no shots fired. Only to reappear with Jango having "somehow" strapped Obi-wan to an ahem "torture table" more like an erotica table but that's beside the point. Or when Obi-wan was trapped in those restraints where he was perfectly vulnerable to anyone. Does no one find that suspicious, or the fact that Dooku was in there for over three hours. I smell an affair…

**AURRDO (Aurra Sing and Hondo Ohnaka) **

Now I know what you guys are thinking,"crap! Another asshole we don't know or care about" well don't worry I'm here to help. Hondo is a space pirate who sells Luminara her illegal drugs. He also sells porno to Obi-wan and Ahsoka, and occasionally Yoda…don't ask. So anyway, why baby long fingers and prune face would get together, I don't know and personally I don't want to know, it's just to freaky to think about. I think he got pissed off at Obi-wan and long fingers for cheating on him in the shower so he went all berserker rage and spammed Justin Bieber fan boards, saying things like "Justin Bieber sucks ass, LOLZ! Thus crushing the hearts of millions of twelve year old girls every where.

Does no one notice the resemblance between Long Fingers and Asajj? They both have white ass skin, they're both extremely obsessed with homicide and they're both clinically insane. If you were to cut away Aurra's hair they'd look exactly the same. They're both force sensitive to, so I wasn't insane when I saw those two on the street the other day groping each other, told you Mr. Therapist! What now! Anyway, it's extremely creepy how these two look alike. Maybe Obi-wan cloned Asajj so he could have a femme fatale with Siri, I don't know it just seems to make more sense that way.

**GRIEWAN (General Grievous and Obi-wan Kenobi) **

Hey, you guys remember in chapter nine when Obi-wan wasn't present at all. Well that just got shot to hell, great so now I have to talk about him againwith General Grievous of all people, seriously. You know putting aside the obvious fact that Obi-wan blew up all of Grievous' organs with a blaster and made his eyes blow up into flames, this ship is actually pretty cool. If you call trying to kill each other every three seconds a stable relation. Then again I killed all three of my girlfriends, but don't tell anyone I said that. Anyway so apparently being a cyborg attracts people these days because this is the third ship for Grievous, that's just ridiculous, he's a cyborg! Get over yourselves!

So Obi-wan's back, unfortunately. Which ship is this, the nine hundredth? I swear this is just so heartbreaking. Having so many people succumb to Obi-wan is fucking depressing. I always get the overwhelming urge to cry in a corner whenever I write this, you would to I'm sure of it. I feel bad for the writers who actually pair up Obi-wan with nameless people in the background we don't at all care about. I can only think of a handful of writers who write Obi-wan so well they should be considered fanfiction gods. Unfortunately, I forgot their pen names so tough shit, I really need to remember to get a pad of paper… ah screw it, who cares lets just move on.

**JIRO (Jabba the Hutt and Ziro the Hutt) **

Yes, yet another ship about Racist the Hutt, he likes to make fun of Mexicans. So now we've stooped to writing pornography about two racist, fat assholes. Who's dumb idea was this again, because I am so disturbed it makes the Jonas brothers seem less like a bunch dicks, but you know that's impossible so who the hell cares. Now, disturbingly this ship seems to actually make sense, since Ziro is obviously gay because his voice is so girly. In fact it caused 206 national suicides. Also, he wears purple and he's a guy, it's hard to take him seriously when his robot sex toy (he calls them assassins but that's just a bunch of crap) keep tickling him while he's jerking off. Did you know Hutts have enough cum to color the Atlantic Ocean white, irrelevant I know but it's still kind of interesting, I think?

Anyway, Jabba and Ziro are getting it on behind everyone's back, that's how what's his name got spurted out. Yeah, he was just covered with slime and rabies and sex juice I guess, I don't know I've never given birth, then again I'm a guy so I guess no one gives a shit, I only carry the seed and the women tends the plant. Wait why the hell am I teaching sex to a bunch of people online, that's ridiculously stupid so I'll just stop. So anyway, anyone who hasn't been creeped out yet please stay tune for the rest of the episode, because we have not five, but** TEN **ships for all people to see and get creeped out at, ENJOY.

**DOOGON (Count Dooku and Qui-gon Jinn) **

Yes, Qui-gon is back yet again and even higher than ever. You know it's been a few chapters since we've seen Qui-gon which I'm glad because we didn't have his high ass mucking everything up. I mean just imagine if he survived his duel with Darth Maul (which he should have in the first place, but let's just be glad he didn't) I mean the last thing we need is Qui-gon stumbling into a battle and throwing up all over everyone. So for those of you who've been living in prison for the past forty years, Dooku was Qui-gon's master which is so weird because I can't imagine Dooku ever being cool enough to be a jedi master, well then again their aren't many of those in the first place so it doesn't come as much of a surprise does it?

Oh Qui-gon, why must you be such a hippie? It'd be better if he were a drunkard so he could say laughably weird things which we would all laugh at. Or if he were a fat guy, everyone loves fat guys they're always so jolly and holly and Santa-like. I mean who doesn't like fat people, the only problem is that America has too many of them, no one can take that much jolliness in a single place without exploding into sugar, spice and everything nice, mostly sugar though. No though, instead they made him into a drug addicted thin asshole, you know because George Lucas apparently thinks we care. Anyway, Dooku is an asshole; Qui-gon is an asshole, a perfect couple right. Unfortunately, I'd rather get dipped in a vat of acid then revived and made into a corn dog than say it out loud, so I won't try.

**HIEA (Han Solo and Leia Organa Solo) **

I just know people are going to kill me for bashing Han Solo of all people, to that I say… I don't give a shit so read it anyway and say I'm a dick in the comments, kay? Anyway Han solo is the unfortunate son of Obi-wan and Siri Tachi, it was only a matter of time I suppose, doesn't make it any less horrifying though. So Han Solo has Siri's brains and Obi-wan's bisexuality, why else would he go out for a "walk" with Luke and Leia at the same time, yeah he's definitely got Obi-wan's penchant for guys and chicks. This only means that now we have (son of a bitch) a third pimp in the making, the stakes just got raised, and you guys better prepare for Armageddon because we're all screwed. When you have more than one main pimp in a single fandom there'll be so many different ships that the Earth's molten core will go nova and explode. Don't say I didn't warn you…

Leia predictably fell to Solo's charms and has added yet another ship to the ever growing pile, sometimes I think people make these ships just to spite me and rub shit in my face. Eh, atleast I can make fun of it, just dandy right? So anyway over the course of the movies Han pulled out every unethical, disgusting, morally unjust and just plain bad rule in the book to pull her over to his side along with the idiot we know as Luke Skywalker so they could have a three way, like I said the guys an unethical bitch. So Leia was attracted to Han's apparent scruffiness (every woman's weakness) and then fell unconscious for about three days until she could even utter a single word. They then screwed in the bathroom, because you know the bathroom is always the best place to have some privacy, keeps you sanitary I guess.

**LUKO (Luke Skywalker and Han Solo) **

Solo's back, it's only been three seconds and already I regret it. Luke Skywalker is so much like his father I find it mentally disturbing. Anakin fell for Obi-wan while Anakin's son (and daughter for that matter) fell for Obi-wan's son. Who doesn't see the disturbing similarities, if you don't you're either drunk or an idiot, though I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Seriously though, what else do you think he and Solo were doing on the Millennium Falcon with Obi-wan in the general vicinity, but of course I'm not hinting at anything, or implying sexual activities in the cargo hold where R2-D2 was able to record it and post on YouTube and Chewbacca didn't even get human biology so I guess he didn't care.

Oh, Han Solo how I wished I never knew you. Why do I have a feeling that Ahsoka had something to do with him? Random thought here, but doesn't Ahsoka kind of look like snookie, orange skin, got punched in the face by a guy (either Bane OR Anakin) and she annoys the crap out of everyone who sees her. But anyway, Han has the pimp powers of Ahsoka and Obi-wan combined so his pimp powers are practically unmatched, of course that just makes him more of an asshole. Then again Luke is probably the most intelligent of all his family, which means he can actually add two plus two, but only on a good day, which is about one in a million, but like I said the fact that he can even do that makes him smarter than Anakin, Padme, and Leia combined, which isn't that smart anyway so whatever.

**MAULIOUS (Darth Maul and Darth Sidious) **

This just goes to show you shouldn't believe anything on wookipedia, because they're only screwing you over. Don't believe any of the shit they pack into those star wars books either because chances are they're fucking lying. Why? Because Sidious is not smart, he is a freaking moron. The fact that this ship even exists is rock hard evidence. Only a total noob would go out with Darth Short Stick, he's a total fail and anyone shape or form who likes him is obviously been brainwashed by LucasArts to take over the planet by forcing implausible and stupid movies on the public thus making them into horrible film creators. They will then make films like the Last Airbender or The Happening then we'll all become communists and then Mel Gibson will turn out to be Patrick's clone, but you know, I'm just speculating.

So apparently Sidious turned out to be a fucking moron, it should have been obvious when he saved Anakin from certain death. That was a dumbass move and he died like forty million times for it. Oh yeah and he got his ass kicked by Luke Skywalker, I guess it takes an idiot to kill another fat idiot because it should be literally impossible to lose to him in any way. Now here's how it really happened, Sidious tripped over his robe and his face fell on a glass beer can thus gouging his eyes out piercing his two millimeter sized brain and killing him instantly, well he flopped around like a fish first then died a painful death. Luckily some smart person destroyed all of his stupid ass clones thus killing him so the Yuuzhan Vong could utterly fail at everything and die.

**BUKE (Ben Skywalker and Luke Skywalker) **

Wow, a damn repeat of VUKE, how refreshing. Have you guys noticed that Luke and Ben look nothing alike, I mean Ben has like reddish brown hair, I told you Luke and Obi-wan got together. In fact, Obi-wan's power of sex was so great he could do it with a man and make the other guy pregnant, I'm sure Qui-gon would be proud. Anyway, Ben Skywalker has an unhealthy obsession with Vestara Khai, unhealthy as in he has locks of her hair hidden in his own and everyone's none the wiser. And you know what? Khai actually likes that shit, why? I don't know and I don't think I want to; maybe she's a bimbo I don't know. Back to the ship though, I wouldn't be surprised if their "quality time" time turned out to be a three way with Mara. Obi-wan did teach Luke some of his most famous pimpin' tricks while he grew up, hell that's how he got Mara to get with him in the first place. He also did the same thing with his sister, if you want to know more simply just consult fanfic for the few billion that have been made about it.

Does anyone think Obi-wan's ghost has anything to do with this, feels like it should be obvious but whatever. I blame the force for making him in the first place; it was a dumb move and never should have happened. Instead the force got drunk and screwed by Revan and spawned out Obi-wan, curser of the universe. Jaina and Ahsoka probably had something to do with this ship to, because their total assholes. We got two males who are totally overrated who apparently think incest is totally a good thing because this is like the twentieth incest filled relationship and it is really starting to affect my sanity. I can understand mutual parental love, but this is just plain freaky. Imagine if Luke and Ben were real and they read that they'd probably die from **IIF** or **I**nduced **I**ncest **F**reakiness, just putting it out there.

Yes, that is the end of the phenomenon known as the tenth chapter special, please rearrange your facial expressions into an acceptable and not extremely weird one, and please review and request there are still thousands of ships out their. Make me proud!

**-WAKKOMONKEY9258 **


	11. I BLAME LUCAS

**I BLAME LUCAS! **

DISCLAIMER: don't try to shift blame on me, it's not like I own star wars or anything…

**OBINE (Obi-wan Kenobi and Satine) **

Oh yay, we're starting off the chapter with Obi-wan Kenobi round of applause everyone, round of a fucking plause. I just don't see the appeal, it's always "Obi-wan is hot", "he's got such silky hair" or more likely "he's got such a big dick!" I just want to say you people need to admit you have a serious problem, I don't want another Lindsey Lohan running around drunk and high on ass crack. You guys need to face reality, go out, become a naught girl, become a lesbian, get laid just go out and do some shit. I am a fat lazy asshole, so that doesn't account for me but the rest of you go out and have fun. Seriously, whats the damn appeal is it because he has experience. If you're looking for that go ahead I don't care. So now unfortunately I have to about Satine, oh man I'm going to go get my gun.

Well the police confiscated my gun after I killed a total of seventy three puppies with… puppy cancer I guess. Anyway so now I have to talk about Sir… I mean Satine and the bimbo of a mind that goes with it. Satine is an obvious rehash of Siri, probably due to the amount of masturbators that bought pictures of Siri for outrageous prices; I guess they have strange tastes. Seriously, blonde hair, she's batshit crazy, and they both have a tendency for bisexuality. Maybe she's related to Siri… NOOOOOOOOOO! Damn you Lucas, DAMN YOU! I blame you for this; you just had to make the living contradiction named Satine. Seriously, a mandalorian pacifist? **WTF** IS THIS SHIT! She is a disgrace to the mandalorian and Canderous Ordo.

**JAINEN (Jaina Solo and Jacen Solo)**

Oh snap, Jaina's back. How long has it been, seven chapters? Jese, why couldn't it be Obi-wan, because the fates suck Lucas' dick and he can control any ship that is created. Anyway recently Jaina broke up with Jag for absolutely no reason except that she didn't get what she wanted, where do you think she got that attitude? Anyway after a quick goodbye screw Jaina went on to do absolutely nothing to help Luke kill Big mouth and simply grappled with her relationship with Obi-wan as her grandfather and attempting (and failing more likely) to screw every sith in a seven thousand mile radius. Anyway, incest is back once again and he's still kicking. Any of you guys wonder why Jaina _suddenly _had the urge to have a "lightsaber duel" with Jacen. I assume Obi-wan had something to do with this.

I knew Jacen had a reason for becoming a sith lord, he did it to get chicks. Well, specifically his sister because you know Anakin did the same exact thing, so take a guess why Jacen did that. Why would anyone go out with him anyway? He's such an idiotic sith lord, and I say "Sith Lord" in the loosest possible sense. Yeah of course, because instead of murdering several thousand babies he decided to "love" his child which for no real reason he has. Wow, I wonder where I've seen a Sith Lord that "miraculously" had a child who caused him to redeem himself and die in an explosion. I guess that slipped the Authors mind, to bad… you damn asshole.

**BATTLE CLONE** (**Battle Droid and Clone Trooper**)

_**SON OF A FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK! **_ WHAT THE FLAMING FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT. THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! IT IS _**BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE YOU FUCKING MORON! **_ THIS PISSES ME OFF TO THE END OF THE WORLD, _**FUCK YOU!**_ FUCK**! GOD!** (30 minutes later) how could you be so fucking stupid? How… can you be… so fucking… _**STUPID! **_Thanks a lot internet! You've finally succeeded in corrupting our innocents and fucking everything up. How could you do this, what about science! No of course not, science is obviously not true no one believes that shit, _**FFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK! Why me, why… fucking… ME! **_

Everyone, I apologize for that… minor outburst. Believe me people I am a mature teen and I will be willing to let this entire thing go, killing several seventeen year old girls tends to do that. I will be willing to ignore this entire ship, despite the fact that it is biologically impossible and the fact that they are **mortal enemies**. Also, they're droids, so how in god's name can a droid, **a droid**, do it with a clone. Why the force obviously, because you know that's everyone's excuse. "oh well, the force gave this droid a soul… and a dick for some reason, you know now that I think about it you'd think a soul would be more important, oh well." Just for the record, I blame Lucas for this.

**OBAAKI (Shaak Ti and Obi-wan Kenobi) **

Well, Shaak Ti's back, after like what six chapters or something, I don't know I wasn't paying attention. Anyway, Shaak Ti has gone off and screwed around with Obi-wan, literally. I suppose it was only a matter of time, but I've still got to give her credit, she lasted like seven chapters without touching anything related to Obi-wan's dick which is pretty impressive. I think it may have something to do with the fact she wore such a loose robe that Obi-wan never realized how big her breasts were. And yes I did just kind of compliment someone… what I'm capable of it. Damn stereotypes. You know just because I've killed a few thousand people doesn't make me crazy. Anyway, Shaak Ti this is only like what the second time you've been in a ship? I'll give you credit for that.

Okay Obi-wan what the hell is wrong with you. Having sex with a character who only been in one or two ships and has no lemons that I am aware of, why did you have to go and ruin this nearly perfect character. That pisses me off man, **FUCK YOU**! SHE WAS THE ONE OF THE ONLY NEARLY PERFECT CHARACTER IN THE SERIES AND YOU HAD TO GO AND SCREW HER TO, **FUCK YOU!** But of course, it happened anyway. I should have seen it coming; I should have expected it after I fought Shaak Ti in The Force Unleashed with her in that skimpy ass outfit I should have known it would happen. But I didn't, **I** **Didn't.**

**OBAAYLA (Obi-wan Kenobi and Aayla Secura) **

Well, this day must be a day of miracles because in ten chapters and all the ships Aayla has not screwed Obi-wan ONCE. Now I don't know about all you guys but this is obviously an act of god. Hallelujah, hallelujah and a happy new year. This is even better than Shaak Ti's because of Aayla extreme lack of clothing. Now there are two possibilities: either Obi-wan was even stupider than he usually was, or Aayla and Shaak Ti poked holes in Obi-wan's condoms so when Obi-wan screwed everyone he spawned thousands, no scratch that millions of Obi daughter mary sues which he was forced to drag off him and toss them off into alternate fandoms, like Teen Titans where they are Robin's daughter, come on you know I'm right.

Once again Obi-wan you have managed to fuck everything up like you always do because you are an asshole and that is what assholes do. And I still don't see the appeal of Obi-wan I mean sure he's got experience but is that worth it to become his slave. Because that guy is some pimp and if you're not careful ten seconds later you'll be having a lesbian four way with every other bitch in this fandom except for Shaak Ti and Aayla because they don't deserve it. **SPARE THEM**! Anyway so Aayla please don't make it a habit to screw Obi-wan, don't do it woman its sad enough Shaak Ti lost to Obi-wan's **UNLIMITED BANGING POWER!** And I would prefer that you screw him only once so I don't have to murder another forty abandoned kittens in a dark alley, please.


	12. KOTOR FTW

Kotor for the win!

Disclaimer: do I seriously need to tell you by now.

A/N: if you don't know what Kotor is, then you are a fucking PUSSY! Go out; buy it because it is the best star wars game EVAH! Yeah seriously though if you don't know what KOTOR is then I'll explain it to you throughout the chapter.

**BASTIVAN (Bastila Shan and Revan) **

Bastila Shan is a hot bitch. She's hot, I'll giver her that, but she has a tendency to be a whiny little bitch. Seriously, she's constantly like "Are you sure we weren't supposed to turn left at the destroyed planet?" Revan doesn't seem to mind though; he's usually to busy looking at her ass. I don't blame him, but don't tell her I said that. Although she does eventually get better, as in instead of threatening every asshole who comes within three feet of her, she now hangs them off a pole with a rope around their neck. You guys may think that's a step backward, but when you've got a former sith lord for a boyfriend you tend to adopt very homicidal tendencies. Oh and did I mention Malak raped her and tortured her for a total of seven days. Just thought I might put that piece of completely irrelevant information into there to, just saying. Also, she is one uptight bitch; you cannot go a single conversation without "DARK SIDE, BITCH!"

Revan can only be summed up in one word, "AWESOME!" Or if you're a girl "BIG DICK!" come on you know I'm right. So anyway, Revan used to be some snotty kid who ran around and made out with Bastila when he was only eight years old, "THUMBS UP FOR IMMATURE SEX SCENES" yeah, then Revan went off and somehow managed to win a war named the "Mandalorian Wars" when he was only sixteen years old and he almost killed my favorite character Nihilus (Later known as the SUPER BADASS DARTH NIHILUS) so we all know how Revan's teenage years treated him. Oh yeah and this girl (yes she's a girl fuck you) in an overcomplicated subplot somehow lost her force powers for some reason. We'll get to that bullshit later right now though I still don't understand it. So then Revan became a sith lord for no reason and invaded the Republic for no reason until he got owned. Then he became amnesiac and saved the day and made sweet love with Bastila. AWESOME!

**CARTHEN (Carth Onasi and Revan) **

I know, stupid name fuck you, I shall make my own titles! Anyway Carth is a whiny emo man-woman who cries like an asshole. Before you ask, yes he is related to Anakin Skywalker obviously. No guy can be that pussy, seriously it's really, really gay. It's annoying how Carth has so many mood swings he reminds me of a stuck up little bitch whose parents banned him from seeing his pot smoking friends. What's so appealing about the guy, he's a scrawny little bitch who cannot trust anyone. I mean, all he did was lose his wife from orbital bombardment, I lost my wife to wild dogs and you don't see me killing several different people. Also, that bombardment didn't even make any sense, why bombard Telos? It doesn't even make any sense, what's so special about Telos? It's just filled with a bunch of hippie bullshit and stereotypical evil corporations. Waste of resources if you ask me. 

Um, Revan got together with a sensitive turd for no reason. Seriously, we have one of the most powerful sith lord ever and she got together with some random asshole. I'll admit, Revan is pretty hot but she got together with some guy. Now I know a lot you idiots are going off screaming that I'm some piece of shit and Carth is so perfect, and nice and honest and a LOSER. I still think Revan and Malak make a better couple, even if they are insane psychopath. You know, a psychopath goes with a psychopath and then some guy got killed for no reason. Don't judge me! It's not like I've ever killed someone or something. I mean it's not like I've ever killed several different people in a bathroom. I also killed Bambie so I guess it balances itself out.

**RALAK (Revan and Malak) **

Malak's name is annoying as fuck, it's even worse than Thrawn's because it doesn't make any sense. Seriously, it's so bizarre I personally thought I was on crack when I read it. Seriously, attempt to say this three times in a sequence "SQUINQUARGESMIUS" seriously it's so dumb I found myself utterly dumbfounded by the fact Malak's parents actually chose that last name. Why Revan would date this guy I'm not very sure, then again Revan doesn't usually make many competent orders so I guess this doesn't make much sense. Now whose better, Carth who can't trust anyone and cries so fucking much, or Malak who just fails at everything and can't have sex. You may be asking why, and it's because no woman can possibly scream in the middle of passion "SQUINQUARGESMIUS!" It's even worse than Thrawn!

Revan, for some reason decided to screw Malak for no reason. Seriously what was the point of screwing Malak, their's no point to it. Don't any of you fuckheads post a comment saying that it was because of stress and war and none of that illogical bullshit. Come on Revan, your telling me you're into robo-Jawed cyborg that are like eight feet tall and fail at everything. Who the hell thought that was a good idea to pair up a moron and like a girl/boy that couldn't decide who the hell he/she was dating. Personally, I prefer Bastila because you know, she's hot as hell. Unfortunately they turned into assholic axe murderers and killed everyone. What a bunch of fucking morons, for Christ sakes get a FUCKING ROOM! I'm sick of this shit!

**RANDEROUS (Revan and Canderous Ordo) **

Canderous Ordo is some crotchety old bastard who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. For some reason people like him for absolutely no reason and he doesn't do anything. He didn't do anything, he just complained about everything that's ever happened, threatened to do things that didn't make any sense and shot himself in the throat twice. Anyway, Canderous is a mandalorian who fought in the mandalorian war and is constantly fantasizing about sucking Revan's pussy. I'll admit, Revan's pussy probably does taste good but seriously dude get a fucking life. Or go on Deviant Art and look up some naked Revan pics. I mean we all know people love drawing that, especially since a lot of those people are NERDS. You'll fit right in.

So Canderous is like fifty and Revan is only like twenty-two. Anyone else smell forced rape, or was that Atton and the Exile. I don't know, maybe it was Carth and Bastila or something, or the droids "switching power couplings" or Mira and the Disciple or Brianna and the Exile or Visas and Nihilus if that makes any sense. I don't know, so many people have sex on that ship it's just ridiculous. Everyday when you go to bed, you find some random puddle of cum in the ship and then you have sex with someone else. Seriously, Mission who's only like fourteen is screwing with Zalbaar who's like forty eight. Come on you know I'm right, these assholes somehow seem to be masters of tantalization which doesn't make sense considering most of them are virgins but whatever.

**BASTILARTH (Bastila Shan and Carth Onasi) **

So now more bullshit that does not make any sense, WHOOHOO! So Carth and Bastila who hate each other got together for no reason and made Dustil Onasi. Some people think Carth had some other wife who he had sex with. Now I call bullshit on that claim because none of that makes any sense. You see Bastila managed to exist before she was even born, because she is super hot. And we all know hot chicks can defy logic so don't ask questions. So they screwed for no reason and Dustil was made for no reason and then he and Mission got together for no reason. Why Bastila, a prissy bitch, would get together with a whiny emo Anak. . . I mean Carth, right I mean Carth I have no idea. I'm telling you guys none of this shit makes any sense. Except for Nihilus and Visas, you know because it's my favorite shipping.

I still think it's extremely dumb that people would think that a whiny emo and bitch would look good together. I mean sure Bastila eventually became humble and modest and all that bullshit but Carth just stayed the way he was. He screamed and moaned and bitched about how "His bitch had left him" and "I got no PUSSY" seriously isn't it kind of weird. Bastila stayed faithful and all that bullshit and eventually this led to Satele Shan who PARTIED LIKE A ROCKSTAR! Then she got together with the sith emperor and whatever. So then more shit happened and because George fails at everything he didn't make a Kotor 3 and we're left with a shitty ending with such ambiguity I find it astounding even now. Lucas Arts better get its head out of its ass and FUCKING MAKE KOTOR 3!

A/N: okay, I lied I didn't explain the story of Kotor but WHATEVER. Next up will be Kotor 2 and my favorite ship EVAH! Nihilus and Visas BITCH!


	13. KOTOR 2 FTW

KOTOR 2 FTW!

Disclaimer: if you think I own something from Star Wars you are FUCKING moron.

N/A: once again, if you haven't played Kotor 2, you fail at everything. It's as simple as that.

**AXILE (Exile and Atton Rand) **

So now I've got to talk about this shit huh? Alright fine let's get this mound of turd over with. So the exile (SHE IS A GIRL, YOU DUMB FUCKING FANBOYS, AND ITS CANON BITCH!) is the guinea pig of some overcomplicated subplot that's so complicated it's mind boggling, so I'm gonna try and break this shit down for you here. You see, the Exile was once a jedi, then when Revan went to war against the mandalorians for no real reason (then gain the mandalorians were attacking for no reason too, but whatever) she followed for no reason, won a few battles and also became a lesbian (don't ask). Then it turns out she's got this ability to create force bonds with people for no real reason, so when on Malachor V everyone dies because Bao-Dur pressed the wrong button, all the force bonds snap and the exile cuts herself off from the force for no reason. Then she goes back to the jedi council for no reason, gets ground into the dirt then stabs her lightsaber into the monolith that is their for no reason and the jedi council decide not to tell her the truth, also for no reason. See what I mean? None of this makes any sense at all.

Anyway, so then Revan attacks for no reason, gets betrayed by Malak, gets freaky fridayed, gets his memory back then owns Malak, victory dance, and then he leaves for no reason. So then five years later, the exile is somehow on the ebon hawk, which just got owned by a sith cruiser. Then T3 saves the day by performing some pointless tutorial with some disembodied voice called Gladus. So then she wakes up on Peragus and has to solve this murder mystery that was obviously not carried out by the random droid that looks suspiciously like Hk-47 who is not at all an assassin droid, in her underwear. So then she meets Atton Rand who's in a cell for a reason that's never really explained, but whatever I guess. So then they get to know each other and all that, and while the Exile is away fighting robots in her underwear, Atton just sits around for no reason and jacks off to the exile naked. So then some more shit happens, he meets Kreia and then they escape from Sion and all that shit. So then they go yahooing around the galaxy, save a few people, has sex with the exile in the bathroom, and they fall in love. Oh, and it turns out Atton was an axe murderer like five years ago, can't forget that.

**MEXILE (Mical and the Exile) **

So the Exile traveled around the galaxy trying to save the last jedi for no reason whatsoever, okay maybe she saved Kavar so they could fuck in the bathroom but that's beside the point. The real point here is, when the exile goes to SHITTIFIED Dantooine to look for Ass-Face Lamar they go into the jedi enclave which is fucked up beyond recognition . . . well not really I just wanted to say that but still. Anyway they find this guy named Mical in the library or something, which makes absolutely no sense. First off, if Mical was able to get to that section of the enclave and he somehow was able to sneak past like three thousand laigreks, then how was he unable to fight like six laigreks and escape. Instead the exile has to swoop in and save his pansy ass. GROW SOME BALLS MAN! Then Mical joins the party for absolutely no reason, and I really don't care. Then Atton kicks his ass when the exile isn't looking, like an abusive father. The ebon hawk has way too many problems.

Mical's character makes absolutely no sense, if the guy's a so called historian then how the fuck does he know how to use every weapon in existence, not even a jedi can do that. So how the fuck does he know how to use a mandalorian blaster rifle. This makes no sense. Also, Atton is just better overall. Mical is a fucking PUSSY! The asshole's blonde good looks remind me of a Nazi Soldier. Also, why does he sound British, their's no Earth in the star wars galaxy, so where the hell did the Brits come in. also, it says that he was once a jedi but he dropped out because the exile wouldn't teach, GET OVER YOURSELF YOU DAMN PUSSY, WHAT ARE YOU, RELATED TO ANAKIN SKYWALKER? Oh . . . wait. . . SHIT!

**VILUS (Visas Marr and Darth Nihilus) **

I'm going to be honest with you guys, while I realize this entire ship is implausible, impossible, and just plain weird I have to say this. THIS SHIP IS THE GREATEST SHIP EVAH! I'm not kidding, this is one of the very few ships I actually enjoy to read about, and it's so AWESOME! The downside is no one writes the damn stuff. I'm literally the only person I've ever met who writes VILUS. Everyone else is too busy bouncing on Revan's dick or licking Bastila's pussy or whatever. And don't any of you fuckheads tell me Visas belongs to the Exile because if you think that, then you just fail at everything. Screw the Exile and Visas ship; it's a bunch of bullshit considering the Exile ain't even male. Besides the Exile's into older chicks, in fact last week she screwed Kreia in the cargo hold. Oh . . . oh shit . . . DAMMIT, THE VISIONS! FUCKING SHIT.

Seriously though, Nihilus was once some jedi guy who joined Revan in the war against the Mandalorians. He won every single battle because his awesomeness was so awesome. Unfortunately, every one of his friends died in the war so he slowly went down the path of emo . . . I mean the dark side, right. Anyway he was on Malachor V when Bao-Dur somehow managed to kill millions of people including the Republic's own troops. Nihilus, however, in his awesomeness survived and took on a dark persona. So then Kreia finds him, trains him and all that until Nihilus and Sion beat her saggy old ass and throw her out. See, Nihilus had an addiction to force crack, so he traveled the galaxy and killed several dozen jedi gangsters that refused to hand the stuff over. Sion just killed people for no reason, so whatever. Then Nihilus somehow the destroyed the surface of Katarr and was only one survivor: Visas. So then they start dating, but then Visas runs away and then brings back the exile and they beat Nihlus' ass. That was complete bullshit by the way, but that's George Lucas for you.

**SEXILE ( Darth Sion and Exile) **

So now I have to explain who the hell Sion is. Basically Sion is this guy who got killed but then rose from dead and is now pretty much invincible; every time he dies he usually just comes back to life. Now why the fuck the Exile would get together with Sion of all people is beyond me. This guy's obviously never heard of band aids because he got like a thousand wounds just sticking out. I hope you all realize those are probably infected by now, and he's probably got like a few thousand STDs swimming around in their. I can sympathize though, when you're an ugly zombie whose dick has long fallen off due to being castrated so many times, you'd be desperate to. Atleast Nihilus is really tall, has a cool mask, sweet force powers, and his own fleet, Sion doesn't have shit.

Also, we have to consider the fact that Sion is basically Kriea's man whore. The guy hears her name in his head for Christ's sake. He also sucks at doing stuff, for instance he visited Nihilus' ship when Visas was away from the Ravager and Nihilus was super depressed. So he went and tried to make Nihilus feel better, instead he accidently threw up into the ship reactor and almost incinerated the entire ship. You see what I mean; this guy's a walking disaster, which is probably why he died so many times. It makes sense if you think about it, or maybe those are just scars form Kreia's twisted version of what she considers to be safe sex . . . AHHH THE IMAGES!

**BREXILE (Brianna and Exile) **

Brianna is extremely hot, and that's the truth. It's weird, she's hot but she wears all white clothing and lives on a snowy plateau so go figure. You'd think she'd show off a bit more, but I guess living in the same building with Atris for years does that to your self esteem. This all mysteriously changed when she joined the party and willing stripped own to like nearly nothing to "spar" with the exile. Oh come on, this women's more of a cock tease than Bastila was to Revan, are you people insane. Also, she's something like the daughter of something Kai so she's a jedi too, ain't that convenient. She's also an Echani, meaning she follows this kinda weird thing were you can predict movements in battle or some shit. I don't know, the point is she's a freakin cock tease, problem is she only joins your party if your MALE, which is absolute bullshit you fuckers.

This is fucking BULLSHIT, if the exile is a female we should still get Brianna, know why? Because the Exile was a lesbian, why would a lesbian fuck Mical when you've got Atton and Mandalore only a few feet away from each other. I'm pretty sure with Brianna being as naïve as she is she'd have sex with the exile and become a lesbian because lesbianism is just flat out badass. I mean it's not like it's going to be a surprise to anyone on the ship, when so many different people have sex in the dormitories every second of the day. Hell, T3 abuses HK their relationship, that's how fucked up this entire ship is. It goes from YAOI, to HET, to FEMMSLASH all in like three seconds. All I'm saying I guess is that you people have serious fucking problems.


	14. Yeah I'm Late

**CHAPTER 14- YES I KNOW I'M LATE! **

**Disclaimer: You guys should feel lucky, because if I actually owned Star Wars this story wouldn't exist. **

**GORVOUS (General Grievous and Gor) **

Now before i go into a sychotic rage that makes my utter exasperation and disbelief clear, lets thinks about this logicallically for just one second. Now I know you idiots have a tendency to have the intelligence of a new born simian, but come on, are you expecting me to believe that General Grievous, the merciless and idiotic cyborg, would go out and and fuck his pet Gorilla in the ass while his Magna Guards watch? Either the person who made this is really obsessed with the cartoon show or he just does this to piss me off. Now I may or may not have thrown my computer against a wall and then used the keyboard to cave in the head of some random guy outside my house but that was entirely justified considering the burning images now punching me in the face like an asshole. In my opinion, I think Grievous would get along better with Shaak Ti than anyone else, not that I have a secret fondness for the ship or anything it's just that ever since Avatar came out Interspecies relations have become even more popular you vile dicks!

I hope you guys have realized by now that Grievous is a horrible lover. First off, this asshole seems to have a secret longing for Dooku which makes no sense considering Grievous is a Xenophobic asshole and racist towards droids. Do I smell a steamy hidden love affair behind Sidious' back? Oh- oh shit forget that I just said MOTHERFUCK! Listen idiots, I don't want some sadistic asshole coming out and writing some kind of complex love triangle between three obviousle sex depraved individulals, one of them I would prefer get together with Shaak Ti and if any of you dicks say Sidious you're fucking dead assholes. Even worse, none of you assholes rope Darth Maul into this either, I don't want that Bao'Dur asshole forming the dreaded "Steamecular Rectangular Rectangle" which i haven't seen since '49. Oh wait. . . FUCKING SHIT!

**GROOM-9 (General Grievous and OOM-9) **

I've seen some weird ships in my time and thats not even mentioning theship that I just wrote about. Why is it that everyone's suddenly into Grievous getting together with the weirdest people? ENOUGH WITH THE ROBOTIC SEX BOT! I've had enough of this bullshit,why the fuck did Grievous decide to get together with some droid who had like four seconds of screen time in Episode One when he's obviously racist against droids. I mean the guy kills like seventeen droids every hour, half of those he sexually tortures inside his den with his butt buddy Magna Guards. OOM-9 was not one of these droids for some reason. I think it's because OOM-9 is like this incredibly sadistic droid that fucks Nute Gunray in the ass every Tuesday at 11:09 then leaves at 12:07 sharp and then we're left with a crying Nute Gunray.

Grievous is in way to many shippings for my taste. It would be better if every character we actually cared about got their own single ship so then we wouldn't have people making up all this weird shit like this one. Obi-Wan should not have like four billion ships in the fandom, and I fucking counted that shit. You may be wondering how that's possible, but it turns out people have Obi-Wan with **MULTIPLE PEOPLE** in the same story. First he's with Padme, then he's with Siri DUMB-SHIT'S-HER-FACE, and then he's with with Siri's wannabe sister Satine and then he gets to together with fourteen other people. That's nearly twenty in one story. Having Grievous pair up with an evil sadistic Torture/Sex bot is not and should not be encouraged people. I mean sure if your a loser and you _really_ want someone to fondle your balls then sure go for it but Grievous doesn't even have any.

**BATTLEWAN (Obi-Wan Kenobi and A Battle Droid) **

OH you just had to bring it up didn't you, you just had to make me remember Obi-Wan this chapter. I tried to fucking forget about Obi-wan but you just had to bring it up in the comments section. So Obi-Wan continues his crusade to fuck everything else in the galaxy (and I mean that literally) and I'm not exactly sure that Ahsoka or Han Solo can can stop him now considering that Obi-Wan has a massive headstart. At the moment Obi-wan has screwed 77% of the galaxy while Ahsoka has screwed 69% of the galaxy and Solo has screwed 62% percentof the galaxy. The one good thing that comes out of this is that now most Teens don't have to worry about being virgins for the rest of their life. So now that most of the galaxy's organism's have been boned they've turned to screwing robots, which makes no sense. I guess the entire Confederation army was turned into an army of Sex Bots. The leader of this army is of course OOM-9.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this kind of thing, I mean it is Obi-Wan after all. Ahsoka's a bitch so I i'm not all surprised at what she's doing with all those droids in the background. Han Solo obviously doesn't care about Leia and I wouldn't be surprised if he holds a secret longing for Darth Vader, though I don't know if Vader reciprocates. Obi-Wan screwed OOM-9, it's probably a fact but I wouldn't be surprised if OOM-9 was actually some kind of Human/Robot hybrid and he actually possesses a dicks and allows himself to be tortured by Obi-Wan's _toes, _if you suddenly hate me then I can't blame you for that.

**HEINTY NINE (Heavy and 99) **

Dude, the fuck? So you're expecting me to believe that some cocky douchebag decidedto get together with some freaky old janitor clone? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? First off, 99 is a mutated clone thing that came out of what's her name's vagina instead of being cloned. The woman obviously got it on with Jango because something tells me 99 would be dead if he weren't. Boba got jealous of course and beat the shit out of the guy, making him even more ugly looking than before. Most clones inevitably get some kind of pairing eventually, and while it's usually OCs atleast they get something. Unless you happen to be Rex or Cody, then you get fucked repeatedly by Ahsoka and Obi-Wan every two point three days or so respectively. But not 99, he was destined to be single but no of course not, someone just had to bring it up in the comments section and now he's with Heavy for some obscure reasom which makes no sense considering 99 lacks the knowledge of aything. I didn't mention he literally had no brain did I?

So apparently 99 is friends with a squad called Dominoes Pizza Squad if you can believe it. So the squad was able to sneak 99 some free pizza and as a result 99 got all fat and slobbery and obese and just plain disgusting. By the time he died he weighed like 14 tons which is why he died so easily. Now you guys are probably saying, "Wakko, you should be nicer to 99. He's a kind old man." Yeah well, as far as i'm concerned all kind old men are pedophiles. I'm pretty sure I saw 99 carying a fifteen year old into a storage closet. Oh come on don't look at me like that you know i'm right.

**OBIGALLIA (Adi Gallia and Obi-Wan Kenobi)**

Once again yet another supposedly important master that almost never appears in the movies soiled by Obi-Wan, Fucking great. You know i'm willing to accept the fact that Anakin and Yoda did it with Obi-wan, but the rest of the jedi council to? Dammit! Shaak Ti was a heart break, Aayla was a surprise since she lasted like eleven chapters or something, I haven't even talked about Ki-Adi-Wannabe-Penis yet and Windu shouldn't be paired with anyone because he's DARK CHOCOLATE YA DIG? So now we have to soil another perfect jedi master who's gone this entire time without being screwed by anyone (Well, probably someone. They are jedi after all) and now Obi-Wan has to completely and utterly ruin my life once a fucking 'gain. I've been trying to get over this for months and putting a bullet through my brain didn't work, I survived that somehow. So now the entire council has been soiled, and now we the people are left with nothing.

See here's how it should have gone. Adi should have been left the fuck alone, Shaak should have gone with Grievous (not that I like that ship or anything) Aayla should have gone with no one because to be quite honest she and Fisto isn't going to work out. Ki-Adi-Whateverthefuck should not have been on the jedi council in the first place because he sucks, literally should have went with Yaddle because Yoda thinks Quote/Unquote "A tiny pussy, she has." For those of you who don't know what that is I won't even bother explaining. Oppo Hidden Valley Ranch didn't have any screen time so whatever. Eeth Koth, once again had no screen time so I don't care. Why is it that nearly all of the Jedi Council barely has any screen time or lines in these movies? If they're so important then why the fuck don't they say anything in these scenes. I still say Adi should be a virgin dammit!


	15. God I Hate You All

God, I Hate You All

Disclaimer: FUCK the Disclaimer

**SIRO (Sy Snootles and Ziro the Hutt) **

I know what all you miserable jackoffs are thinking, who the fuck is Sy Snootles? Don't be ashamed I share your confusion. At first I thought the asshole who had posted this in the comments section had been fucking with me, trying to get me to promote one of his/her OCs or some other nonsense. Well bend me over and fuck me in the ass, I was fucking wrong. So I guess Sy Snootles was the name of that Alien in Episode 6 that was singing some bullshit song in spanish or whatever. Who the hell thought that made her relevant enough to pair her up with some gay Hutt? First off, we've barely even seen this bitch interact with Ziro at all, and even if Ziro weren't gay it still wouldn't make any sense for this ship to exist. How would this work, Ziro doesn't even have a dick (Well I hope he doesn't anyway) so how the hell is Sy supposed to get her groove on, where the hell is she supposed to be giving this bloated lug a hand job. Tell me that. Assholes.

So what exactly makes Ziro worthy of having TWO shippings now. I could sorta understand Jabba because Jabba was fucking stupid and he'd fuck anything, but a long legged unattractive alien? Does common sense even exist anymore? And like I've said ten thousand times, ZIRO IS GAY FOR HUTT ASS. Well maybe not the Hutt ass part, because Hutts don't have asses but the gay part is true. I mean, come on, this asshole is gay from his fake green dildo to his to his girly fucking voice. How has this asshole not gotten together with Obi-wan yet, I mean he obviously lacks standards. Oh wait, er, forget that I just said that. Just hit yourself over the head with a lead pipe about seven times.

**ADEETH (Adi Gallia and Eeth Koth) **

WHAT! How long was the fucking story you read this from? A FUCKING PAMPHLET? Who the hell is the target audience? Assholes? Why would you mix two completely irrelevant characters together when no one gives a flying fuck about them. Typically when no one cares for the characters they FUCKING HATE the story. Eeth Koth is some ass Iridonian who's on the council even though he fucking SUCKS! You thought Bao-Dur sucked at doing things, this asshole gives Iridonians a bad name, as in he fucking sucks all kinds of dick. This guy couldn't even get fucked by Obi-Wan, much less get any pussy from yet another completely irrelevant character. What appeal does Adi Gallia hold, what would Eeth Koth of all people like about her, when we the readers don't even know anything about them. All we know about them is that they fucking died like animals, betrayed by their troops.

Any you know what? Those assholes deserved it. Probably do the galaxy some good by killing all those assholes at once. I mean, come on, the jedi have been fucking everything up for as long as they've existed. Ever since 25,000 BBY those assholes have been causing wars and trouble all over the fucking galaxy. I mean, if the jedi didn't exist then their would be no sith lords and dark lords of the sith and all that right? So if none of the jedi existed, then nearly half the wars in the galaxy wouldn't have ever happened and billions would have been saved. This is yet another example of jedi hypocrisy.

**KEX (Kit Fisto and Captain Rex)**

What, so now we're talking about Kit Fisto again? How long's it been? Thirty chapters? This is fucking ridiculous, why is Kit's shippings so haphazard. First he's fucking a virtual slut that's BLUE even though she comes from a DESERT planet and then he's giving oral to some random ass clone that no one could give a shit about. What sense does that make? Why is Rex suddenly into an alien with eight dicks slinging around on his head even though we've never even seen them meet. Then again, the eight dicks part may be why Rex is into him. Does Rex have a fetish for loose dicks in plain sight of everyone? If so, i'm not surprised at all, he's into Ahsoka after all. So who's ass raping who? It's not because I have any sort of interest in it or anything, it's just because the image of a green skinned alien thrusting into a screaming clone commander is rather interesting. Don't judge me.

Why do people even care about Rex at this point. When is he ever going to appear in a movie again? The guy's a bald generic clone that just happened to score some unfortunate ass. That ass was Ahsoka Tano's, and she's only sixteen or something which is always great, I love it when pedophilia is encouraged you horrible people. So now Rex is fucking Kit Fisto of all people, I don't think so. Ahsoka is a very selfish bitch when it comes to her sex objects and she sure as hell ain't gonna share with some weirdo. Unless its like a threesome or something, then it makes sense, kinda, but that's another thing entirely. I feel bad for Rex, really I do. He has to put up with Ahsoka, on a daily basis, grinding up on him and giving him like eight different kinds of STDs per day. How many diseases does that guy have? How is he still alive?

**SORCE (Shmi Skywalker and The Force) **

I didn't want to do this on account of the fact that I've never read it, but it was implied a shit ton in Episode 1 so I guess I'll talk about it. So the entire idea is that the force itself fucked Shmi so hard that in the aftermath she couldn't even remember it. Then it turned out she's pregnant, and unfortunately the demon spawn that came out nine months later was a complete bitch. Does anyone else notice the utter stupidity of this theory? And of course, George Lucas in all his wisdom decided to never expain what the fuck happened. What the hell is this, the Bible? Since when was Anakin Jesus Christ? Just think about it, a deity worshipped by thousands has sex with some random ass lady who was a virgin (Maybe) and impregnated her. Then the baby fucking saves the day a few times, goes through a ton of hardships, and then in the end extinguishes the darkness by destroying himself. Seriously! If I wanted to read about Jesus Christ I'd fucking buy a bible!

Oh and lets get on to this nonsense. It's also implied that either Palpatine or his master Plagueis created Anakin using the Force. Since when the hell did sith have the ability to fuck women with the force, I guess it makes sense though since they were so fucking ugly that they couldn't possibly hope to get a woman of their own. So why the hell did either of them decide to impregnate a random slave on Tatooine, why not impregnate another jedi or something, that way they could soil the reputation of another jedi. Despite this they decide to do it to a slave, what were they planning on that Asshole Jinn to find him or were they going to make it all up as they went along? Does any of this make sense to anyone else?

**YOBI (Yaddle and Obi-Wan Kenobi) **

Oh you motherfuckers! We were so fucking close! So close to a chapter with no Obi-Wan and then your imaginations had to get the best of you. WHY WOULD YOU PAIR OBI FUCKING KENOBI WITH BITCHY ASS YADDLE! God I hate you all so much, you assholes keep pissing me off with your stupid ass shippings that MAKE NO SENSE! Why would Obi-Wan get with Yaddle? Oh right because he's Obi-Wan and he's a slutty ass bitch. So I ask again, who the FUCK cares about Yaddle? Sure she saved billions from dying by preventing a bio-weapon from going off but you know what she should have let it go off. Because everyone in the Star Wars universe are either morons, hippies, or evil. Hell, you would've done the galaxy a favor by letting that Bio-Weapon kill billions. Instead Yaddle died as she lived, an irrelevant character that barely anyone could possibly given a shit about, and a person know one knows. The only thing people know is that at some point Yoda ass raped some poor alien. THAT'S IT!

Alright, I didn't mean what I said. I don't hate all of you. I hate like 80% of you but that's it I swear. The rest of you idiots better watch yourselves because your ass is mine, BITCHES. Yaddle's saggy ass better not be grinding up on Obi-Wan's dick, because I don't want a bunch of backwards speaking Obi-Yaddles spewing out sexual innuendos. I mean who the hell wants that shit going around, you know how many STDs have to be swimming in their and in their cum. This is fucking ridiculous, why am I suddenly speaking so dirty for some reasons. God I have really got to stop watching so much porn. Why is everyone making such a hubaloo about Obi-Wan, why do people still like this asshole, why is he still appealing to twelve year old girls like Justin Beiber. Is Obi-Wan like Justin Beiber. AH SHIT!


	16. I'm Back Again

**I'M BACK. . . AGAIN **

**Disclaimer: Only George Lucas is as cruel to his fans as I am, and he owns Star Wars. **

**BAN (Han Solo and Boba Fett)**

Anyone else notice the irony of an extremely bad ship having a name like **BAN**? Just me? Nobody gets my humor anymore.

I don't get it man, I really don't. The mental instability of the people who type things on this fandom continues to baffle me despite my seeing almost everything their is to see on this fandom. But now I'm still being struck with shit and even more shit that smells even worse than the last serving. Then again, this is Han Solo we're talking about and considering the fact he's the son of Obi-wan Kenobi and some other pimpy bitch then really who didn't see this ship coming. I mean, think about it. Boba Fett is just some sex deprived clone of an even more sex deprived bounty hunter interacting with one of the worst abominations to hit the fandom in years. What, with Han Solo stuck in that carbonite all spread out and immobile, who's to say Boba Fett didn't. . . roleplay a bit. The mere thought is disturbing but even so the truth is plain out there clear as Ahsoka's shaven pussy. Okay, bad metaphor but still. Thats just how it works I guess.

All of this sounds increasingly difficult to comprehend and stay calm without losing my composure and drowning this chapter in a sea of massive cursing. But I have vowed to be civil, relatively speaking of course. A curse here and there. All of this just sucks ridiculous amounts of dick, and not the good kind either. We're all stuck with two ridiculously inept characters who want to _FUCK HARD_. This just means more offsprings to shove into the this ridiculously overbloated fandom.

**BLUKE (Luke Skywalker and Boba Fett) **

Okay, this is absolutely ridiculous. I could handle the first one because I have huge amount of tolerance for this ridiculous nonsense. But COME ON, Luke Pussy-Whipped Skywalker and Boba Deprived-Criminal Fett going at it like animals?

Well, Luke doesn't understand the concept of sex or vague arousal. Or arousal in general. He cried through the TALK with Uncle Owen and fumbled his way through it with Mara. Which I still find nonsensical, but that's EU for you. Also, how do we know Boba even wants to do it with Skywalker? What if he just wants to strap Skywalker to a table and just whip him a bit. Or bite his chest. And give him some hickies on his nipples or something. And Skywalker trying something? MY ASS. Skywalker, once again, doesn't understand the basic concepts of pleasure, teasing, straddling, wrestling and everything else that makes sex great. Then again, I'm on a virgin, so meh.

And just think about it. These two, getting it on inside the sarlacc while Acid burned there dicks to utter blood and tissues. The idea is mildly amusing while staying blatantly disturbing and sexually unarousing. Not to mention, it's basically a huge unexpcted three way. The sarlacc is just a huge anus that takes in anything no matter what its. A body just feels like another dick in the hole. Wow, their is something majorly wrong with me isn't their?

**BLOBA (Boba Fett and Leia Organa)**

What is up with everyone's unwanted obsession with Boba Fet all of the sudden. It's like people actually think he's an interesting character people like for some reason even though over the course of the the six movies he manages to accomplish _nothing. _Utter shit. Zip, nada, nothing!

For the record, I just wanna say that whatever made you people think this was a good idea must be either a complete idiot or crazy. Or their really into this Fic and want some attention. Either way, I hate every single one of you equally. I'm like the dad you learn to respect but never love and underneath all that respect is a large amount of resentment that everyone feels all the time. Anyway, so Leia just decided to bull rush into this relationship didn't she? She didn't think it through as always and is now dating a maniac who has lossed the ability to be. . . oh I don't know. . . caring? He's lossed all ability to rationalize and he likes it rough, and by that I mean torture, and utter _DOMINANCE. _Leia would be getting all torn up on the inside if you know what I mean.

Leia's a complete idiot isn't she? Dating a bounty hunter she has nothing in common with and no idea of his backstory. Oh, and he's also an insane and sadistic killer that lacks common sense. No wait that's Asajj Ventress. Maybe these two idiots should get together. Sure, it ruins all the canon in the world, but since canon is basically useless and lacks any oxygen going to its brain. And sure, Boba would only be like, seven, but hey we've already seen how much sense this Fandom lacks and this wouldn't be that far off. It would suck dick probably, but so does everything else in this Fandom. Nah I'm just kidding, it's not all bad, usually.

**MATTON (Atton Rand and Mira) **

Yes this is a KOTOR 2 shipping. Bite me. Mira is a half naked bounty hunter mistress which I guess makes her vaguely attractive. And she's a red head, sweet. Atton Rand is wannabe badass. Some say he's like Han Solo, but atleast he isn't screwing everyone in the bloody Fandom.

Atton Rand is mercifully not a character that screws every character in the game Fandom. This includes Revan, Canderous Ordo and such. He and Mira though, well atleast they're a good couple, which simply proves that this Fandom is far superior to its movie counterpart even if it is several thousand Fics behind it. This Fic is singlehadedly superior to every other romance in the movie star wars Fandom, which isn't hard to accomplish. Now I know you guys like it when I tear Fics apart, but this is KOTOR after all, one of the best star wars series ever created EVER. The two actually exchange barbs and stuff and their characters are actually half assed decent. Now I didn't say they were great or anything, I just said they were good. Don't start accusing me of shit I didn't commit. You can't prove shit.

So for some reason, Atton is infatuated with the exile for some reason that makes no sense. Then again I think every shipping makes no sense, it comes with the job I guess. It's my job to see the nonexistent faults in every shipping no matter how developed it is, I don't give a shit. But atleast this one makes some sense and that makes this thing decent enough to actually be readable. This shit is way better than anything over their in _that_ Fandom, yeah I know I already said that but it's way true.

**REXILE (Revan and The Exile)**

THIS SUCKS MY ASS. Not the ship, that's okay I guess, but because this ship was never made into what it could have been. Because _someone _decided to not make a KOTOR 3. Yeah, I'm looking at you George Lucas you son of a bitch!

Everyone apparently got the idea that during the Mandalorian Wars which the Republic somehow won, these two were an item or something. They might've fucked and had a fling for a few weeks before Revan (Male or not) decided to go after his _obvious_ soul mate. . .Carth Onasi. Yeesh, the idea itself is far to appalling to even consider in my mind, oh wait I just did. You guys thought I was going to say Alek, but his last name isn't exactly appealing to anyone that exists. Its absolutely ridiculous. Also, considering media about the Mandalorian wars is scarce, we can't exactly make speculations. Then again this is Fanfiction, but still it does lack common sense and makes basically no sense.

Why would the Exile get together with some random asshole who happened to be leading some army against some other army that failed to accomplish anything. Hell, neither of the two should have gotten involved in _anything_, they were sixteen for force's sake. Alek was a useless brute, The jedi were complete morons, the mandalorians were. . . mandalorians, and Bao-Dur and Carth Onasi were simply useless in every possible way, the cry babies. Everyone else were just stupid as well. So screw it, screw it all!


	17. SHIT

**SHIT! **

Disclaimer: And here I thought I could get away with not writing for this series, but my damn conscious caught up to me. Anyway, I don't own Star Wars. Real shocker there, right?

**JABBADALA (Jabba the Hutt and Padme Amidale) **

This shipping made my heart stop when one of my reviewers oh so innocently suggested it. Isn't that explanation enough?

No? why am I not surprised.

So for some nonsensical reason that continues to elude me even as I write this, some author somewhere decided it would be a good idea to match up that idiot Padme and Jabba the Hutt together in a rape scene. Why? Only the deranged author knows. He or she must've had some delusion that people like reading about giant slugs raping thin bimbos up the ass, or they were just deranged beyond my comprehension. Then again, knowing the internet masses out there, part of me is pretty sure they'd be into that sort thing. I can almost guarantee that someone has jacked off to that piece of fanfiction atleast once, and I am not surprised in the least. Trust me, once you've seen as many of the fucked up ships that I have, no ship offends you anymore. At that point you just shrivel up into a bitter old man, hating the world for its stupidity. Oh, the intenet.

Also, what kind of sex would these two even be able to have? I mean, Jabba dick is probably unreachable in all that fat he has on him, so a hand and blow job are out. And so is every other type of sexual intercourse come to think of it, so how does this even work out. What, was the sex confined to Padme giving the guy some physical contact? Like, she rubbed oil over his fat ass? Wouldn't that make Padme the rapist? Surprisingly enough, Padme being a rapist seems far more likely than Jabba being a rapist simply because it's PADME. She's a slut to the max, so much so that even a gangster like Jabba wouldn't want her. How ironic.

**? (Some Asshole Hutt Bitch and some Fish) **

HOOOOOWWWWWW?

What the hell was Lucas arts thinking when they decided to put in some hutt bitch called Mama the Hutt in an episode in a KIDS CARTOON wherein it shows her being phyiscally raped by some stupid looking starfish or some shit. What is wrong with you, George Lucas? Did he honestly think he could slip in some porn like that, and no one was going to notice? WHAT THE FUCK! What kind of relationship do those organisms have anyway? You got some obese bitch with a bunch of ugly fish fucking her. Who would be attracted to such a disgusting Hutt, when said Hutt can't have sex at all is something I will never know. Mama Hutt weighs like a thousand pounds, how do you have sex with that? You can't do it! You would be crushed by the huge weight and pressure.

HOW DO YOU FUCK A HUTT? That is the question of the day apparently, because this is the second time I've asked it. That itself is so ridiculous it's mindboggling. Where would you find the pussy in there? Would you have to dig round in the fat, and and try to find it? How would you even get your dick in there in the first place? Not to mention, her skin's probably all greasy and shit like someone rubbed butter on her nipples or something. EWWWWWW!

**MASTILA (Darth Malak and Bastila Shan) **

For some reason, this ship makes some sense, if only slightly.

I mean, Malak is the Dark Lord and a total prick, and Bastila is a loud mouthed, sexy woman who's bound to a slab of rock with nowhere to run. Typical rape scenario. Now don't get the impression that I somewhat support this shipping, because I very much despise it as much as I do every other romance ship in the fandom. The fact that it actually makes some half assed sense just shocks me to no end however. I mean, how many ships in this fandom make any sense to you people, counting this one I've only gotten two, which includes Nihilus and Visas. However, unlike the aforementioned ship, Malak and Bastila's relationship is total crap. Not only are they opposites in every sense of the word, but the two can't go five seconds without arguing over the damned DRAPES!

Oh, and then their was the time Malak ate the last piece of chocolate cake that Bastila had explicitely told him not to eat. Bastila found out, and they had a massive shouting match. Malak had a habit of leaving his shoes all over the Star Forge, Bastila never remembered to do the dishes, Malak was a total wimp when it came to sex (As in, he lasted about seven seconds very time) Bastila never stopped complaining about the light fixtures and how it was to dark in the Star Forge, meanwhile, Nihilus, who at the time had been on the Star Forge for no reason at all, simply watched on with bemusement.

**VESTUKE (Vestara Khai and Luke Skywalker)**

I am so CONFUSED!

I thought Vestara was Ben's love interest, what is George Lucas thinking? You've got some hot chick going out with Luke Skywalker, who miraculously hasn't died yet despite his overwhelming stupidity. HOW? And besides it's not like they're going to get together anyway. Luke's to stupid to understand what attraction is and Vestara is off attempting to still be a sith even though she clearly isn't one anymore. Then again, the same could be said for Ben and Vestara, so I guess the wanna be sith girl isn't getting any dick anytime soon. I'd feel bad for the girl if I had the ability to do so, but hey it's not my fault Luke and Ben are complete idiots.

What the hell is their to say except what's already been said. Luke's got the mind of turd and is totally overrated. Ben is just some mediocre guy who happened to get lucky when he got born with force powers. Vestara is some stupid idiot who's constantly playing the Anti-hero and is so fickle over which side she wants to take it's almost ridiculous. You cannot expect me to take this ship serius when it involves such ridiculous characters. Oh, and before I forget, I have to say that the sith group Vestara is part of SUCKS MY ASS HAIRS. They don't appeal to people damnit, plus they're always striding around talking about beauty and glass. Does that sound like a sith lord to you?

**TAREEN (Ahsoka Tano and Kareen)**

I should be in a homicidal rage right now, instead I feel only beffudlement and confusion.

Once again, Ahsoka has butted into another chapter where she is not wanted at all. Atleast Obi-Wan isn't here, otherwise we would have a huge problem. So, unfortunately for Kareen, some pod racer guy who is totally irrelevant, Ahsoka set her sights on him the second he stepped into her field of vision. Did I mention that Kareen's a retarded idiot? No? Well then, let the over the top bashing begin. For one, everyone in the galaxy knows what Ahsoka looks like, literally, since everyone in the damned Universe has slept with her. So instead of running away as fast as possible, Kareen willingly falls into her trap like a complete moron. He proceeds to sleep with her like a dozen times, along with twenty other people. . . at the same time!

Luckily, he does somewhat redeem himself by nearly killing her via crashing his swoop pod into Ahsoka's. Unfortunately, his attempt to kill the sex demon is soiled by the fact that he totally FAILED. Then Kareen basically sank into the sea of irrelevence, having absolutely no bearing on anything at all. Why was he created in the first place? Oh yeah, so he could be Ahsoka's little fuck buddy for two days. What a lovely existence, nice job Lucas Arts for creating a character that serves no purpose to anything at all. Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure that applies to EVERY charatcer in the Star Wars Fandom. So, correction, thank you George, for giving us a Universe in which the inhabitants all suck!

000

**Review Please, or else I shall do. . . **

**something bad. . .**

**Maybe. . .**

**Probably not. . .**

**I won't. **


	18. Kotor and One Fifth

**Another One? **

Disclaimer: Do I even have to bother at this point?

**KARA (Kyle Katarn and Mara Jade) **

So the idea here is that a Chuck Norris look alike gets together with some irrelevant character that no cares about. Alrighty then, since that seems to be the status Quo these days, let's move on.

I, for one, am surprised Mara hasn't been coupled with more male idiots in the Star Wars Fandoms. After all, with so many slobbering idiots out there focusing on every mention of a female in Star Wars, how Mara hasn't been paired with someone like Han Solo is a big mystery. The entire thing is mystifying at best, since Mara hasn't been in a pairing for over ten chapters. Of course, the Fandom had to suddenly turn against me **again **and has now decided to couple her with some guy named Kyle Katarn, which is about the most redundant name I've ever heard by the way. So this Katarn guy is on the new Jedi Council, and we all know how intelligent those assholes are. Considering the people he hangs out with, I'm really not surprised that he managed to get on the council despite having no skills what so ever.

Not to mention the guy looks so much like Chuck Norris it's ridiculous. Not only can the guy cram seventy guns and their respective ammunition types up his ass, but he can also date a woman that's dead. . . how that works I'm not sure. Then again, this is the Star Wars Fandom so I guess it actually makes far more sense than it has any right to. What's confusing about this is the fact Mara is 'married' to Luke Skywalker for some reason, so I'm not exactly sure how Kyle plans to tap that. Given that Skywalker has the mind of a demented two year old, I don't think he particularly likes sharing. Unless Mara's just a slut, which seems incredibly plausible given the general personalities of the other women in the Fandom.

**MEVAN (Mission Vao and Revan) **

A Kotor Pairing? I didn't even know we still did those, eh, might as well roll with it.

Mission is a FOURTEEN year old girl, emphasis on the **fourteen **in that statement. I've never understood this sudden fetish for pairing up older guys or women with way younger people. What's weird with Kotor, is that almost every male character is somewhere inbetween their late thirties or is just plain old. How that makes a solid base for a romance I have no idea, but since people are. . .well, people, let's just keep going with it. So in Kotor 1, Revan is about twenty five give or take a few years, which makes him eleven years older than Mission. Not to mention, Mission isn't even close to the legal age. Hell, she isnt even sixteen yet, how do you pair a person like that with **anyone? **You might as well pair her with that wookie Zaalbar, although how a wookie of all things would fit inside a fourteen year old Twi'lek is a total mystery.

I suppose I could understand if Mission simply idolized Revan, then I guess it would make more sense. Instead, everyone suddenly jumped the gun way past eighty and decided to put her in an abrupt sex scene that shouldn't exist. Uh, could someone please explain that huge gap in logic. How do you go from a sibling like bond to screwing in a dormitory, please explain that to me. In fact, someone please explain to me why Mission would willingly get together with a guy that clearly has eyes on Bastila, how exactly would that come about? Tell me that, I say.

**MISTILA (Mission Vao and Bastila Shan)**

Yep, we ain't done with Mission yet, not even close.

So instead of getting together with a twenty five year old guy who doesn't have any romantic interest in her, Mission instead got together with a woman who is also twenty five years old and is spontaneously a lesbian. I'm not sure if you assholes are aware of this but **that is not an improvement!** So I guess now Bastila is into chicks, alteast according to the Fandom, who are clearly the most intelligent writers since Shakespeare. Maybe she's bisexual, I guess that would make some half assed sense, excluding the fact that it would be totally contrived and arbitrary if she was. So even though Bastila is a disciplined jedi (Well, relatively speaking anyway) she decides to fall for a FOURTEEN year old despite the fact that is certainly pedophilia. . . Uh, the fuck?

Bastila is incredibly hot, but come on, get some standards! why would she get together with a fourteen year old, and immature Twi'lek? If Bastila were, like, sixteen and not a total bitch, then it would work. But since her and Revan are apparently destined for each other via the force, that will never happen. Not to mention, Mission can't exactly be called relationship material. Not only is she always whining, she also never shuts up about her made up 'maturity'. I'm not sure what maturity is supposed to entail, but it sure as hell doesn't mean you should flip out over a single comment over a planet that was undeniably a shithole. See what I'm getting at? It's utter absurdity!

**MATTON (Mission Vao and Atton Rand) **

_4 hours earlier: _What? What do you mean Mission has another shipping with Atton Rand? Their's no way the Fandom can be that ridiculous! I mean come on. . .

_Present: _Well, I guess the joke's on me because I looked up some writers and it turns out people actually like this shit. Why? Atton is even older than Revan and Bastila, and he's also a complete asshole, why a fourteen year old girl would go for a guy like him is beyond me, and vice versa. Atton Rand isn't exactly the kind of person you want to date for an extended period of time, considering he was once a sith assassin and is still a sleazy dick. But you expect me to believe that these two would somehow get together in a serious relationship? How exactly would their personalities meld in any possible way? I know people say opposites attract and all that bullshit, but this is just stretching the saying _way _to far. You cannot expect me to take this seriously, how could anyone take this seriously?

So instead of settling with someone who's closer to her age group and is not in anyway some sort of repressed sith or intolerable bitch, Mission instead decides to go for every crazy tycoon in all known existence because I guess her teenage hormones are affecting her brain cells or something. This entire thing is just one giant clustfuck of ridiculousness. No fourteen year old should be getting set up with such twisted and abnormal guys and women, it's just not possible. I realize she's not exactly a normal teenager, but she ain't that special damnit! She's just some girl who has family problems, just like **every other teenager EVER. **Damn assholes, now leave Mission out of the rest of the chapter. I ain't doin' anymore of her!

**MISSIL (Mission Vao and Dustil Onasi) **

_5 minutes earlier: _Ugh, it's not possible for their to be more ships with Mission Vao in it. She isn't even that important of a character, for god's sake!

_Present: _Oh, come on people! Are you seriously telling me that once again Mission has somehow been paired up with some asshole who is once again an asshole of a character? Dustil is just some sith student who is the son of the ever so unlikable Carth Onasi. Now, I know that I've been bitching that Mission has no shippings that involve a person in her age group (Dustil being somewhere around fifteen or sixteen) but it doesn't help that the kid is just some douche of a guy without a lick of common sense. For god's sake, he decides to join the sith and blame his dad for his dear old mom dying, even though the sith were the ones who destroyed his homeworld. How does that make sense? What is this kid's logic here, or is it just nonexistent?

So despite barely having met, if at all, Mission still manages to fall in love with Dustil or something. How they manage to do this I have no idea, but hey, no one in the Star Wars Fandom cares about logic, so I guess it doesn't matter. What these two share in common other than being totally pointless I can only guess at, and even then they're not exactly good ones. I suppose you could say that they're both whiny and never shut up about their issues. . . or anything else for that matter. Not to mention, they both have ridiculous amounts of angst with their respective family members, which they also never shut up about. So now that that is out of the way, can we please just move on now? For christ sake, I don't need to write out the rest do I? I think you all get it. Let's just end the chapter, please!

**A relatively early update. Yay. **

**Anyway, review I guess.**


	19. CONFUSION

**CONFUCIUS MAXIMUS **

**Disclaimer: At this point in this time, I'm glad I don't own this stuff. **

**LAHSOKA (Lux Bonteri and Ahsoka Tano) **

Yep, the bitch herself is back, and with yet another plaything that nobody in their right mind could possibly care about. How predictable.

So this Lux guy is some teenager who was unfortunately exposed to the pimp powers of Ahsoka Tano, who, with her skin tight outfit and stuff, was able to coaxe him him into a bathroom. . . and we all know what happened after that. So after an inane amount of time spent in a dirty, broom closet sized bathroom, Ahsoka Tano left with yet another rape under her belt, and Lux left with what little balls he had gone, and his dick looked basically the same as the Sarlaac's pit. Let that digest for a moment, and then continue reading. Part of me should probably be chastiseing this guy for being a complete idiot, but to be honest it was predictably Amidala's fault. Yes, Padme is back and she's still as dumb as ever because she's actually willing to rely on Ahsoka Tano for security for some reason that makes no sense. Considering that Ahsoka Tano's bodily fluids seem to be nothing but endless hormones directed at every organism alive, how Ahsoka is even a jedi is a complete mystery.

So confused right now. Why is Lux dressed like a male stripper when he should know that Ahsoka is into that kind of thing. He's either a complete idiot or he's just into slowly killing himself like some sort of Meso-Masochist. Something about him just rubs me the wrong way, whether it's the fact that he lacks a decent sized brain or if he's just into Ahsoka because he's an idiot. Either option is not preferable for a man in any relationship no matter how dumb the bitch is, even if it's Ahsoka. Why a person would willingly go for that monstrosity down south that Ahsoka miraculously has is beyond me. Of course, it's not helping that every male in the fandom is either a slut or just dumb. That or a combination of both, which I do not like!

**MAURRA (Darth Maul and Aurra Sing) **

Well, I don't know why this would be in the comments. This ship makes perfect sense. After all, it's not like Maul is just some emotionless Sith Lord and Aurra Sing is just some useless bounty hunter who can't kill anything. Because if they were, then this shipping wouldn't make any logical sense. But since that clearly isn't the case. . .

Wait! We're talking about _that _Darth Maul and Aurra Sing? I thought we were talking about their clones that I made up for some reason. We're actually talking about the original two? Oh, well then fuck this ship in the ass and send it right out of the fandom. I'm not exactly sure just where a person could possibly read this in the fandom, nor am I sure who would be so idiotic that they would simply write this shit down. I mean seriously, Darth Maul getting together with anyone is ridiculous in and of itself, but him getting together with Aurra Sing is so nonsensical that it's completely ridiculous. Not only can Aurra Sing not kill an idiot like Amidala whilst under the guard of an asshole like Ahsoka Tano, but she's also the palest individual I've ever seen ever. I mean sure, Maul isn't exactly the most useful person either, but atleast he looks somewhat cool!

Aurra Sing ain't got jack shit. What has she got other than long ass fingers and a nearly bald as a baby's ass head. And I still stick to the idea that she is somehow related to Asajj Ventress, considering how alike they look. They're also equally useless to the plot and totally suck when it comes to anything that even relates to character development. Plus, they're both pale as hell. I know it seems like I'm harping on the pale thing, but seriously, how do you get that pale when you travel to planets with incredibly hot suns. You tell me, because it just doesn't make any sense. This just shows that George Lucas does not understand the concept of a tan, nor does he understand just what an attractive woman looks like. I mean, he could atleast try.

**OCs (Anything/Anyone/OCs)**

Yeah, not even OCs are safe from my wrath now. I could spend days ranting on the individual OCs that corrupt this fandom, but since I need my readers to be actually alive, I won't even bother.

Many probably saw this coming, and you probably dreaded the day I would irreverently bash the utter life out of your, oh, so precious OCs. Unfortunately, I find this to be completely necessary, as you can't go one page into this fandom without some dumb story popping up that features an obviously bad OC. We're here to talk about those assholes who try to bundle their OCs with other main characters in some shit romance that makes no sense. We've all seen these kind of OCs before, the beautiful, alien with some sort of ridiculous tragic background that has absolutely no relevance to the plot. The ones who can bewitch a usually stoic character into somehow falling in "love" with them in like five milliseconds flat. I'm not sure why everyone is incapable of writing even a half decent OC that doesn't totally suck, because I have yet to see one in this fandom. If you can write atleast a decent OC, then you're either a god or just actually competent, and I salute you.

And of course, almost every OC is some jedi, who's miracullously the most powerful jedi in the universe. Even though Anakin, as moronic as he was, was supposed to be the greatest jedi ever, these dumb authors always manage to insert some OC with a ridiculous set of powers that make them more powerful than Anakin with absolutely _zero _explanation. But then, despite the suspicion that should arouse, the two end up falling in love even though Anakin is married to Padme and the OC is some jedi we've never heard of. How that works I'm not sure, but whatever.

**SACCA (Han Solo and Chewbacca) **

Oh yeah, because two **friends** who happen to be a human and a wookie getting together makes perfect fucking sense. After all, it's only CHEWBACCA and HAN SOLO!

How a wookie even screws a person is beyond me. Not only am I unsure if their's even a dick under all that fur, but how are we supposed to know that Chewbacca isn't a woman? I mean, think about. Chewbacca gets mad whenever someone even gets close to Han, he (or she?)freaks out in a protective manner. He's constantly gossiping with Leia, is always flirting with Luke, and seems to go beserk on a particular day of the month if you know what I'm saying. Not to mention, Chewbacca actually knows how to cook. So seriously, you tell me, is Chewbacca a woman or isn't he. I would personally rather not know considering I really don't want to have to think about how utterly atrocious his pussy might be with all that fur and utter cum, but put an answer in the comments just so my disturbing curiosity can be sated.

Whoever wrote this ship must take pleasure in the suffering of others if they bothered to upload a story involving this confusing shipping. Han Solo may be a pimp, but he's still an up and comer. At this point, he should still have atleast some standards when it comes to screwing the many organisms of the Star Wars fandom. Maybe Chewbacca is just a transexual, that or he's just got two seperate genitalia down there and (s)he just has to much to fur for them to be visible. Which I've got to say, has got to be the best thing Lucas ever did for Star Wars other than creating it in the first place. How would you even pleasure a person like Chewbacca in the first place? Would you have to dig around their with your mouth or something? If that's the case, then I don't think even Obi-Wan would go for Chewbacca. . . Nah.

**JARMILLS (Jar Jar Binks and Senator Mills) **

In order to spare the readers of this chapter even more of the horror that is Ahsoka Tano, I have decided to instead write about the failure of a character Jar Jar Binks and the irrelevant character of Senator Mills.

Okay, so maybe the trade off isn't exactly a blessing, but I had to finish the chapter somehow and I had to pick either this one or the one involving Ahsoka Tano. And honestly, when you look at it from that perspective, then the choice was obvious. So Jar Jar is still a bumbling Senator for some reason. Not exactly sure how that's supposed to work, but whatever, this is the Republic Senate after all. So what exactly possessed some random Calamari Senator to randomly fall for some other fish thing so they could have several mixed babies. Also, I'm pretty sure Jar Jar eats fish for every one of his meals. . . let that sink in for a moment. Let's just think about this for a second okay? Objectively, let's just look at the merits and downfalls of this shipping in particular. The downfalls are about every single thing involved. As for the merits, I don't have a thousand years to sift through the biology and science of these two species, so we're just going to assume they don't exist.

What's depressing about this whole situation is that Jar Jar would probably do better being shipped with Padme Amidala. Wouldn't surprise me one bit considering how they seem to spend every waking second together. I suspect alien, gay, porn. Anyone else get that vibe off of these two. I mean, Anakin is gone all the time, so it kind of makes sense when you think about it. Ugh, I'm still thinking about all the time they spent together in that episode in the Cartoon Network show "Bombad Jedi." They probably screwed on that ship en route, right in front of R2-D2 who recorded the whole thing and then unfortunately posted it up on the internet. I'll leave the rest to you.


	20. 20th Chapter Special

**20th Chapter Special **

**Twentieth Disclaimer: Wow, twenty bad jokes about how I don't own Lucas Arts already? Damn. . . what am I doing with my life? **

**VADILLER (Darth Vader and Galen Marek aka. Starkiller) **

How morbidly odd can this fandom get so that we have to start incorporating a dumb robot and a guy who's only twenty years old having sex together in some makeshift bed chamber.

I'll allow that image to sink into your already knocked up mind for a second, because these two idiots having insanely impossible sex is so mind boggling and complex it's almost ridiculous. Does Vader have to rely on an electronic dildo or something to shove up Starkiller's ass or something? Does it vibrate, does it use sound waves to send artificial cum up Galen's ass? Or does Vader just whip out his grilled filet beef steak to let Starkiller suck, because I' pretty sure that would be pretty uncomfortable. First of all, I'm not sure if Vader has any of his dick left to suck, and even if it did, it'd be like sucking chili pepper sauce off of a volcano. Even if they involved themselves in a non-sexual relationship, Vader is a psychopath masochist obsessed with taking over the galaxy and is incapable of even focusing on any emotion that doesn't concern coked up Padme!

I guess Starkiller would maybe get into a relationship with Vader, but it sure as hell wouldn't be voluntary. Who the hell falls in love with some guy in a robot suit who also lost to the worst Jedi swordsman in the galaxy OBI-WAN KENOBI! Who would be impressed by that? Okay so maybe he walked around and killed some random people for no reason, but that doesn't make it any better. Vader can't even kill his own prune of a master even though throughout the movies he had more than enough ample opportunities in the original trilogy. Screw all this nonsensical 'Fair fight' bullshit, just stab the guy in the back and declare yourself Emperor, it wouldn't be that hard. Instead, Vader just proves how pathetic he is, and I don't think that even Starkiller would be that attracted to Vader to that point, since Vader can't even figure out how to use his lightsaber.

**ANEVAN (Darth Revan and Anakin Skywalker) **

Yeah, because these two only live _3,000 YEARS SEPERATED FROM EACH OTHER!_ You expect me to believe that bullshit!

Who wuld write this? It's so ridiculous that I cannot even wrap my mind around the concept. Okay, so in the right scenario then maybe I could buy a Time Travel Fic, but when the concept of traveling _3,000 _years in the future presents itself, it just doesn't hold any weight. A hundred years? Okay fine, but a thousand years is beyond the limit that I can suspend my disbelief effectively. And even if these characters did meet somehow in whatever time period they happened to be in, how the hell would they fall in love? Anakin is just a whiny little bitch, and Revan for all intents and purposes is a blank slate, able to be molded into whatever character is convenient for the writer. So who's to say that Revan isn't some dumb asshole who follows the Dark Side because he doesn't have anything better to do. Could someone please explain to me how they would mesh at all!

You know what I just realized? Anakin doesn't seem to be getting a lot ships directed at him recently. In fact, now that I think about it, alot of the characters I've been bashing have been either secondary characters or characters that no one gives a shit about. I mean sure, Anakin's an asshole and is also oppressively emo, but I'd rather take his bitchy whining than the constant moans of Obi-wan as some girl blows him. Revan's cool I guess, on a very superficial level, but he still fails to even match up to the standard of awesome that I expect from even half decent characters. So here we've got a bad character and a blank character getting together, oh god it's like Twilight all over again.

**PLOTI (Plo Koon and Shaak Ti) **

_Uuuuugggggghhhhhh_. . . How many times do I have to tell you people, stop pairing Shaak Ti with characters no one cares about. At the very least pair her with someone decent, like. . . say, General Grievous. . .

And for the last time, I do not support **GRIEVAAK **at all, only Shaak Ti in general. And as a fan of Shaak Ti, I cannot accept some asshole going on his computer and daring to pair one of the only good characters in the fandom with some douche named Plo Koon. Do you know how much it kills me on the inside to see such a good character paired with such sloppily made characters, and then ruined over the course of the relationship. So who the hell is Plo Koon? What has he accomplished over the course of his 'oh so impressive career' that would warrant him getting together with Shaak Ti. Seriously, I want you to honestly tell me what impressive feats this guy has performed, oh wait that's right, HE HASN'T! Every operation he has been a part of included alot of other jedi to back him up, the only other thing he's done is royally get his wrinkly ass handed to him on a serving plate, and by General Grievous of all people.

Getting beat by General Grievous is like losing a game of chess to a cell of bacteria. Grievous can't even effectively govern his forces much less command a fleet of advanced space ships, yet Plo Koon still failed to avoid defeat and still got his ass handed to him. I can guarantee you that even if Grievous didn't possess that stupid arbitrary ship Malevolence, Plo Koon still would have lost. Plo is just not built to be a General, then again neither was he really built to be a Jedi considering the fact that he couldn't even vaguly hold a lightsaber. He can even survive in deep space for a short time, though how he can possibly survive the deep cold of space is beyond me. I guess we can just use the force as an excuse, but that still doesn't do jack to help with this guy's credibility or his ability to perform even relatively well in combat. And don't give me any of that bullshit about how the force orchestrated their whole relationship!

**R2-PO (R2-D2 and C3-PO) **

Oh great, robot sex, because this fandom totally needs two robots screwing in the maintenance bay.

In case you guys didn't realize it already, the prior statement was entirely sarcastic. Yeah, because as we all know, robots totally have a capacity for love right. We see it all the time in Sci-fi movies, robots fall in love with humans or something else, just look at Wall-E. Of course, it doesn't work in Star Wars because these two idiots are completely non-conpatible. You've got R2-D2, who's probably the most snippy droid in all of existence who serves no real purpose other than to unlock shit, and then you've got C3-PO, who's so pussy whipped he's almost a complete woman with how much he nags constantly. Now that I think about it though, these two do serve the perfect Husband-Wife roles. C3-PO never shuts up, is a pussy, and nags everone constantly. Not to mention he's subservient to everyone around him, he's like the perfect wife, well, except in bed, you don't want to see that droid in bed.

R2-D2 is like the tolerant husband who doesn't particularly like his wife yet keeps her around so she can handle all the menial tasks around the house. Because like I said, R2-D2 isn't good for anything other than unlocking crap, which isn't at all difficult because he actually owns a fucking key to the house! At the very worst all he would have to do is ring the doorbell and let his wife open the door, it's not like C3-PO gets out at all unless he very much has to. See what I mean? These two fit the bill for a sitcom perfectly wouldn't you say. So I guess my mind has changed about these two, they could work as a couple, sort of, in that weird robot sort of way. Not that it really matters considering these two still suck as characters on the account that you can't even understand what R2 is saying half the time, which basically limits what kinds of romantic phrases he could use.

**QUISAJJ (Qui-Gon Jinn and Asajj Ventress) **

Wait, Qui-Gon's back? Wow, it only took eighteen chapters for him to show up in a chapter for once. Then again, maybe he was to high to really get together with anyone.

So then, now that Qui-Gon's gotten off his extended high for more than two seconds, it looks like he here to pump some babies into even more women, just like he taught Obi-Wan. And of course he would start off with the most ridiculous character to pair him with, Asajj Ventress. Putting aside the fact that Qui-Gon indisputedly died before Asajj even became a known national figure, this pairing still wouldn't make any sense. First of all, Asajj looks like a guy from far away, I'm sorry but it's true. Qui-Gon's an idiot, and a junkie, he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between Obi-Wan and Asajj Ventress even if he wasn't high. You expect me to believe that the hippie who taught Obi-Wan all he knows would fall in love with some pale chick on some random planet for no reason? Do you expect me to believe that? Then again. . . now that I think about it, that scenario makes a lot more sense than it has any right to.

Who even likes Asajj anyway? All she is is just a whiny little bitch, with less of a tan than Anakin has chest hairs, and a creepy, raspy voice. I'm telling you, Qui-Gon would totally think Asajj was a guy if she said just one word to him. One hint of that raspy voice, and even the psyched up Qui-Gon would be turned off in like two seconds flat after his muddled brains suddenly realized how unattractive Asajj despite this, writers seemed determined to ruin my life and lay out yet another story involving a totally nonsensical ship that doesn't even make any sense. Any idiot out there who thinks, when looking at Asajj and Qui-Gon side to side, that these two are totally relationship material, then I'm afraid I have to call those writers completely and utterly insane. It's bad enough I have to deal with people writing out the actual canon shippings, but now Ialso have to worry about even the most random character being paired up with even worse characters, the end result being a complete mish mash of random shit in a story.

**DORMAKIN (Dorme and Anakin Skywalker) **

Dorme? The fuck is that?

So after ten hours of strenuous searching I have finally figured out that this Dorme person is actually that one girl who poses as Padme in the prequal movies. How people came to like her enough that they would pair her up with seventeen billion people is beyond me. You know what, I blame Lucas Arts and the several EU writers who have the most annoying tendency to create characters on the fly, that no one gives a _shit _about! This is just typical, a Padme look alike gets together with Anakin Skywalker, what the hell would the difference be? Dorme looks the same, acts the same, talks the same, does everything the same as Padme, and Anakin would be so fooled by it he wouldn't even realize he was really pumping his wife's decoy instead of Padme until she started actually making rational decisions. Yes, I can guarentee you that Dorme is a billion times more intelligent than Padme. She probably knows every single scientific principle ever created. And since Anakin can't handle a sentence with more than two syllables in it, his brain would probably melt within two seconds into the relationship.

I suppose **DORMEKIN** is a more suitable alternative than Dorme and Obi-Wan getting together. Now that I think about it, _anything _is better than anyone getting together with Obi-Wan on account of the fact that he is a complete, and unrepentant asshole. Anakin is infinitely better than Obi-Wan, despite how emo and despicable he is. Anakin is just stupid, but Obi-Wan is stupid but with a more perverted and dark side. Anakin doesn't even know what perverted means, much less how he possibly could get together with anyone in general. It is so mind boggling to see him be paired up with even the stupidest character when he's not even capable of properly describing the emotion of love. What do writers see in this character? I AM LOSING MY MIND!

**MAHSOKA (Mace Windu and Ahsoka Tano) **

How did this happen? How could anyone with a heart possibly pair these two up, perfectly knowing how nonsensical their relationship would be? HOW!

Mace hasn't been in so many chapters that I'd forgotten that people actually bothered to pair him up with anyone, and that's the way it should have stayed! I've said this every time Mace has been paired up with anyone in any chapter, and I will continue to say it: Mace is to dark chocolate for _anyone! _Especially for some dumb bitch like Ahsoka Tano, who apparently is now trying to emulate Khloe Kardashian and trying to score some hard, black dick. Of course, she ain't ever gonna get it because Mace is way to entrenched on the straight and narrow path of the jedi to dare slip inside a girl's pussy for any reason. Why would he do that? I'm pretty sure that goes against every thing he stands for, and yet he would still try to get a girl even though he specifically disproves of attatchment in general? I am sorry, but I think we can safely call that a comlete and utter contradiction! Not to mention, I don't think Mace's. . . tool would even fit inside Ahsoka's pussy. I mean you tell me, would a burly guy like Mace really fit inside Ahsoka's half an inch sized entrance? Not that I really want to know. . .

Their is no proper insult to describe the oddity and amorality of this shipping, then again, their's no scenario to properly ascribe to this ship that would make it even relatively plausible. Any person who would dare pair these two up is a complete, and unabashed moron. Come on people, if you're a complete idiot, atleast have the decency to try and hide it. But no, the writers of the Star Wars Movie Fandom can't do that, instead, they decide that they want to just flaunt tht shit in our faces and then act as if we're supposed to reply with positive feedback. Seriously people? Mace Windu and Ahsoka in a relationship? Is this really what this fandom has degenerated into, a fandom filled with Dominatrixes and weird kinky shippings that don't make any sense. Oh, I do sure miss the days when the fandom wasn't a complete asshole of shit. . .

**PLAMI (Darth Plagueis and Shmi Skywalker)**

Oh god, don't make me relive the horrors that was the vague and unhelpful explanation of how Shmi somehow got her kid without a Dad. It was bad enough in the movies, but now I gotta explain this ship?

So I guess the half assed explanation from Lucas Arts is that Plagueis somehow used the force to influence the midichlorians to somehow create an entire life form within Shmi's womb. Now that's not the only theory, but if that's the real explanation, then I have to doubt the cognitive abilities of every individual at Lucas Arts and everyone related with the creation of the prequels in general. Their's so many holes in this explanation it's ridiculous. First of all, if Plagueis was in hiding, how and when did he meet Shmi Skywalker and what the hell convinced him it would be a good idea to mentally force fuck her out of the blue, even though she was just a lowly slave. Maybe he was bored, and he managed to figure out the prophecy and thought that he might as well go through with it since he didn't have anything else to do. He didn't have an army, and since he was the one who created Anakin Skywalker, I can only assume that he didn't have the brains to manipulate the jedi or anything. So his solution to cure his boredom was to impregnate some bitch no one cared about? Oh god, I think the left hemisphere of my brain just exploded.

So after he got Shmi pregnant, what the hell was his plan? What, was he just gonna sit around like an asshole and wait for nine months until she gave birth. What if she got an abortion, or she miscarried, what the hell would Plagueis do then, influence the midichlorians again? I thought you could only have one Chosen One, how do you go about making multiple Chosen Ones with the same person and still retain the legitimacy of the grand prophecy. I mean, if Plagueis could just make whatever number of Chosen Ones he wanted, then the whole thing about the 'Chosen One' loses any and all credibility or believabilty. Ugh, just contemplating this scenario is so stupefying and confusing, I just can't fucking handle it at all. What made Lucas or anyone at Lucas Arts think this was a good idea in any sense of the word, are they just stupid? Did Lucas just go senile after releasing Episode Six for the first time, did he contract a major tumor, or did he suffer the common disease that afflicts nearly every older person: Forgetfullness.

**LALPATINE (Luke Skywalker and Palpatine) **

As abyssmal as the idea is, this shipping actually makes far more sense than any of the others previously mentioned. Trust me, Luke and Palpatine getting together wasn't my idea, nor was it my idea to allow this ship to make some half assed sense.

Yes, a crusty old man with a crusty old ass getting together with some idiot blonde makes _sooooo _much sense. I'm pretty sure Palpatine is incapable of sex, or love for that matter. After all, through some cosmic intervention, he is a Dark Lord and ruler of the whole galaxy. Where in there would that translate to sensitive, peace loving guy who wants to get into Luke's pants? I mean sure, Palpatine may not be the smartest individual, but even he should know that getting into Luke's ass is basically a death sentence. Who knows what he does in that asshole of his, it probably looks like the Saarlac Pit with how much stuff has been rammed up in there. I guess Palpatine could use his lightning to kill whatever's living in there, but that sure as hell doesn't help because Palpatine would still be acknowledging that Luke is about to get all up on him. No one should have to think about Palpatine and Luke together in that throne room, with Vader watching no less. First Vader was getting with Starkiller, but now he's into voyeurism? When the hell did that happen, and why the hell hasn't Palpatine fired him yet?

HOOOOW? Yeah I know I've used that joke before, but this shipping warrants a reiteration because of how utterly insipid and inane this entire idea is. Does anyone even find this relatively attractive, because if they do I have to doubt their mental ability. Are you sure their's oxygen going into that brain of your's? Now that I think about it, if they're so dumb that they actually believe this then how do they even remember to properly breath every few seconds. Hell, they would be doing the world a favor if they stopped breathing so they could finally stop spewing their dribble, and then I could finally live in peace, well, atleast until another crop of idiot writers rise up. Then we'll start the whole process all over again. God damn Luke and Palpatine and their very strange kinks, not that I really want to know what those are, and neither does anyone else. . . right?

**SHARKILLER (Shaak Ti and Galen Marek aka. Starkiller) **

Oh come on! How many times do I have to tell you people, for Christ's sake I said it seven shippings ago, and you're honestly telling me you guys forgot already?

How would this even effectively come about? These two knew each other for about five minutes, on a dumbshit planet full of murderous monkey people, next to an enraged Saarlac Pit, and the five minutes they knew each other was spent with them _fighting each other with lightsabers! _And not even lightsabers as in the euphemism for dick, they were literally fighting each other with glowing blades of solid plasma. When in their entire five minutes of knowing each other would they possibly have time to form any kind of emotional attatchment? Also, did you guys forget that Starkiller was kind of a sith at the time, and Shaak Ti was a revered Jedi Master, they're complete opposites and yet they would still get together by your logic? I mean, Shaak is a far better woman than basically every character in the fandom, and she sure as hell shouldn't be paired up with some emo asshole who can't stick to a side for more than seven seconds. Now don't confuse my words, I am in no way implying that she should get together with **GRIEVOUS **or anything, but hey, we might as well start looking for alternatives for her in a relationship.

Sure, Shaak Ti may be a badass, incredibly sexy, a femme fatale, and every other synonym of the prior mentioned words, but I still think she should get a man in her life. Of course, any man who managed to snag her would be subject to jealousy and envy, by me included, but that is incredibly unimportant when you realize that you are dating _the _Shaak Ti. I mean, Starkiller may be good for Juno, but Shaak Ti is just so awesome that I can't justify her getting together with this jackoff of a character. Because that's what Starkiller is: The manifestation of George Lucas' jackoff when he came all over the Star Wars series and ruined it with his wetness. That is what Starkiller is, and when you compare that to the fiery awesomeness that is Shaak Ti, well. . . it just doesn't measure up. So in conclusion, **SHARKILLER **is completely ridiculous and not worthy of anyone's writing prowess.


	21. The Xmas Special

**THE XMAS SPECIAL **

**Christmas Disclaimer: Santa's got nothing on Star Wars, and neither do I. However, this chapter was suggested by a reviewer named Kevin, and as such, direct all praise to him. **

**MILLO (Zillo Beast and Mace Windu) **

Uh, even I'm stunned into silence on this one. Does anyone have any idea who could have made this shipping? Anyone?

So let me get this straight, so a super massive extraterrestrial being who's the last of his species and is only semi-sentient somehow has the capability to fall in love with a Jedi who's strictly against attatchment. . . Oh, and did I mention that the Jedi in question is MACE WINDU! How many times in a row has this happened? This is the third chapter in a row that Mace has appeared with another person as his mate for next to no reason. How many times have I told you people that Mace Windu can't be paired legitamately with anyone regardless of circumstances, mainly because he's a jedi, but also because he's Mace _fucking _Windu. Putting aside the utter nonsense that is this ship, how the hell is a Zillo Beast even capable of mating with a human who's smaller than it by several hundred times? Just think about it. Its swollen dick reaching up Mace Windu's ass while Mace Windu just sits there like an idiot and allows it to happen. It's so OOC that it basically renders what little character he had in him to die instantly. Not even Santa could make this wish come true for you sick bastards, so don't bother trying to put it on your list, because I swear to god I will stop you.

This thing is dead you know, so unless Mace Windu is miraculously a necrophiliac, then I don't know where you could have somehow gotten this idea in your, frankly, empty head. More than half the time this thing is on screen, it's doing one of two things. Either it's rampaging through a city scape, killing dozens or hundreds, and blinded by rage. That or it's just sleeping around like a hobo, getting probed by all manner of scientists and getting tortured. But even when the second one is occuring, the Zillo Beast still manages to break out and begin to rampage around the city, once again killing hundreds of people. Yet Mace Windu, defendant of the innocent, would somehow fall in love with it somehow. **That doesn't even make any sense! **Not only does that make Windu a hypocrite, but it also makes him a complete idiot. That he would fall in love with a massive monster like the Zillo Beast is just ridiculous. Ugh, this special is already off to a great start.

**VAHSOKA (Darth Vader and Ahsoka Tano) **

Yes, the great, evil overlord of crying and bitching getting with another bitch, _yay_. . .

You know, the one controversy that was raised when Ahsoka was created, other than the sexual suggestiveness of her outfit, was what happened to her when Order 66 was given. Whether or not she survived the attack has been debated constantly in the Fandom, with most people agreeing that she died considering the collective hatred levied at her. Of course, the idiots out there who actually like Ahsoka tend to write out that she was saved by her beloved Rex in the middle of the attack. Okay, so assuming she survived, what the hell would happen afterward? Would she go after Anakin and attempt to redeem him for no reason? She does realize that Darth Vader is an asshole right? And the people writing this ship realize that Ahsoka Tano getting together with Vader would inevitably lead to Ahsoka dying right? Then again, if that's the end result, I suppose this shipping isn't to bad. But on the other hand, it's Vader and Ahsoka. . . never mind.

I don't understand this inane idea that Ahsoka could somehow get together with the Dark Lord of the Sith. Even if the Dark Lord is Anakin Skywalker of all things, their's no way that he could be so stupid that he would believe for a second that this stupid slut could possibly hold any actual interest in Anakin Skywalker. Considering Vader is nothing but a failure of a Dark Lord who can't kill jedi worth a shit, I don't think Ahsoka would even be interested in fucking the Dark Lord. Even Darth Sidious, the most inept Dark Lord in all recorded history, would carry more attraction for Ahsoka than some asshole armored in a stupid, cumbersome suit that allows absolutely zero erection. Seriously, if Vader ever went into a Strip club full of naked Twi'leks, then he would be screwed into the floor. His dick would probably break into fourteen pieces, that or he'd fracture it into a couple pieces. Does Ahsoka really want to be sucking that off? Meh, considering it's Ahsoka, I don't doubt it.

**DEX (Count Dooku and Captain Rex) **

Ah, now this is a story. Sit down children, and let me explain to you a tale for the ages. . . or for you to smoke a joint to. Whichever comes first.

You see, after Ahsoka brutally raped Rex in a Railey's alleyway, the clone trooper lost all hope in the cause and as such switched sides. However, Count Dooku wanted to test the clone before he joined, and then he commited several acts of torture on Rex's body. Now I know what you're thinking, he probably used force lightning or some sort of convoluted torture machine to completely brainwash Rex. Normally you'd be right, but when Dooku had the clone trooper stripped naked, he noticed that Rex had a massive scar on his dick. You see, Dooku has a fetish for scars, so that turned him on in no time. His old ass was on that body in less than second, and that's where it all went downhill. Not only did Dooku fail to control his force lightning mid-orgasm, but he also gave out within a minute of starting out. Dooku's like five hundred years old, so his dick lookd like a grey, wrinkled pickle that had been dried in the sun for five years. How he fit it in Rex's ass is beyond me. Even Ahsoka could fit more into Rex, and for Christ's sake she's a girl. Or something akin to a woman anyway.

Dooku seems morbidly obessesed with anything involving Rex these days. The clone trooper, of course, didn't reciprocate considering the sexual experience was the worst he had ever had in his life. It had been the second time he had been raped, and it had somehow managed to be even worse than when Ahsoka forced herself on him. I mean sure, Ahsoka may have slipped her fingers in his ass, but that's way better than having a spagetti noodle slide in and out. Hell, it was so bad that Rex actually switched sides again, and everyone just accepted him back as if nothing had ever happened. Well, except for Anakin. He had been crying for weeks on end, and he had spiraled into _yet _another depression that basically made him volatile to every being near him. He wouldn't even touch Amidala until after he hugged Rex several dozen times. Why Amidala never levied a suspicious glance at the two of them is beyond me, but then again, this _is _Amidala we're talking about. So maybe she never realized it until after she died.

**OBEN (Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ben Kenobi)**

Oh god, every law of everything was just broken with the advent of this ship. Paradox anyone?

So. . . wait. . . Obi-Wan Kenobi suddenly went forward in time for no apparent reason, only to meet his future self, and they would somehow fall in love for no real reason. Yet, this meeting would somehow fail to create a paradox that wouldn't destroy the universe. . . somehow. I don't get it. So wait, what if the opposite happened. If Ben Kenobi went back in time, and he was their while Order 66 came to pass and all that jazz, what if the young Obi-Wan Kenobi became Ben Kenobi? Then you would have two Ben Kenobis who were exactly the same, does that mean Ben Kenobi would be falling in love with his own past self? But wait, wouldn't that mean that the same person would be existing in the same timeline together? If the future Ben Kenobi died, would that nullify the future and would the past Kenobi cease to exist? But wait, if the past Kenobi ceased to exist, then would the overall future be destroyed as well? So many questions and absolutely no solutions, someone needs to write a fic of this for no reason at all.

Wait, so what happens when the past Kenobi goes into the future, and then somehow dies. Would the past cease to exist, and thus the future Kenobi cease to exist. But wait, if all the Kenobis die, does that mean the events that they were a part of didn't happen either? _Uggggggggggghhhhhhhhh. . . _I don't get this insane idea at all. Their are so many paradoxes created by this stupid thing, and their are even more peripheral holes created by just these two even meeting in any time period. Not only is Obi-Wan able to break the laws of physics like it's nothing these days, but apparently he's not even repulsed by his future self. Of course, I'm not surprised at all. Still, you have to wonder just what makes this idiot tick in his fucked up head.

**DADME (Dorme and Padme Amidala) **

Another lesbian couplet? It's been a while Padme, get ready to be destroyed utterly, again.

It's quite the reunion when a character gets abrutly put on the back burner, atleast until some other idiot decides to pair that character up with some other random person in the Fandom. That's exactly what's happening here. When was the last time I actually ripped a pairing with Padme involved? Its been a while, which of course I don't regret because this shipping _is fucking stupid. _Dorme is just some poor girl who obliviously joined Padme's royal guard, and was then brutally raped as initiation. Whether or not she enjoyed it is debatable, and part of me doesn't even want to know, but the fact stands that Padme is an asshole who decided she needed to get off. But instead of doing what very other being the universe does, as in masturbation/ejaculation, she instead decided to revert to the next best thing, which would be rape. And when she saw Dorme's ass under all those robes, well, we all know what happened then. I mean, why else do you think she was so quiet and emotionless in the Phantom Menace? Because Padme was basically her abusive master who beat her ass if she spoke louder than a single octave.

I guarantee you she was happy as could be when Padme was forced to leave Coruscant to avoid assassination attemps. Their were naked orgies all around, alcohol passed around Coruscant, and blow jobs were offered for half off. In other words, it was a pretty good day. Even Yoda snuck out of the temple at night, and he didn't get back until five p.m., covered in cum and silly string. I don't know where he stuck those stubby claws of his, but Dorme and him were never quite the same whenever they were in the same room together. Then Padme got back, and these two were forced to endure Anakin's constant whining together, and for once they worked together to force Anakin to stay off the planet and on jedi led missions. And it worked. For every year the war went on, Anakin met with Padme approximately three times. While he was gone, Padme and Dorme, and all the other Handmaidens for that matter, would have fun together in their underwear, or none at all. Either way, by the time Padme died, no one on Coruscant had their virginity left to be stolen.

**LAN (Lando Calrissian and Han Solo)**

The new pimp returns since a couple chapters ago, and for once it doesn't involve a three way with two guys. Amazing right?

Most of you probably forgot about Han since the last time he appeared in the story, wherein he had a massive three way with Luke and Leia. I can understand why you guys would supress such a memory, but unfortunately we all have to face our fears on Christmas, and as such we must face the horror that is Han Solo sucking a big black dick. Trust me, this wasn't my choice in the least, had I had my way, I would have simply pretended this shipping simply didn't exist and we could act like the world was just and right. However, I am beholden to what the reviewers request, and when one person asked that I attempt to tear this shipping apart, I had no choice but to grudgingly agree. So when Han Solo officially began his career as a Star Wars pimp, he chose the first morsel that came to mind. This morsel was the the only other black guy in the universe still alive, Lando Calrissian. I won't get into the specifics about how Han went about capturing his prey, because I think you've been traumatized enough. The only thing you need to know is that afterward Lando couldn't sit down for seven months. Neither could he take a proper dump anywhere.

Lando's an asshole, mainly because after Han screwed him into a wall, he decided to make a whole TV special about the feeling of it. Needless to say, the experience of watching it destroyed what little faith in humanity I had left in my soul. I don't know how Lando managed to write every experience in a journal while it happened, since those experiences seemed so horrible that it would be impossible to concentrate, atleast in my eyes. Yet, Lando managed to do it, and he read that diary in explicit detail for half of the three hour special. I swear to god that he jacked off to it halfway through the reading. All those white specks on the camera might have explained that one.

**JARKILLER (Juno Eclipse and Starkiller a.k.a. Galen Marek)**

I'm surprised that this shipping has gotten put off for so long considering how mainstream it is.

Usually I prefer to tackle the canon shippings first considering they're ones that everyone is supposed to know, or has written about at some point. Jarkiller is something that everyone knows about, even if they haven't played the Force Unleashed. The thing about this ship is that the two people within are just boring and inane. Starkiller is just some asshole who walks around blasting anything and anyone with random force lightning or force pushes. He has little to no personality, and his loyalty is so fickle that it's always difficult to tell whether or not he's for or against Juno Eclipse, who is also incredibly boring and uninteresting. Other than his overexaggerated force powers, their is nothing in particular that makes him even vaguely interesting in the least. He has little to no tact when it comes to discussing with woman, and he also gives off a horrible sense of depression and anger for no apparent reason. Since he doesn't really strike me as a darksider, this strange aura doesn't really make any sense in relation to the character.

Juno Eclipse is a character who seems obsessed with being completely uninteresting. Her oddly british voice carries little to no inflection even when she is placed in mortal danger. She's kinda hot, but that doesn't really help when her personality is so bland and dry. She's timid and shy, but instead of possibly coming out as a stronger woman, she just stays the same and randomly falls in love with Starkiller. These two might work because of their matching personalities, but writing them is basically a living hell when you have so little material to work with. These two characters have little to no character traits that distinguish them from other characters, and it's almost impossible to make a decent story with such boring characters. This shipping isn't bad so much as it is just boring as hell, and so I can't endorse it in any way.

**GRIEVE-PO (General Grievous and C3-PO) **

People do realize that these two never officially met right?

The non-compatability of these two characters is almost nonsensical, considering Grievous seems ready to kill any robot that comes within a foot of his lightsaber. Despite being a robot himself, Grievous holds no love for his own species, and thus commits mass genocide every single day of his miserable life. Oh yeah, because a prissy and incredibly annoying protocol droid, who serves no purpose in combat, could totally earn his place in the nonexistent heart of a murderous droid general. C3-PO would die within five seconds of meeting Grievous, especially since he never shuts up with his stupid odds and such. Grievous is a moron (Who should probably go out with Shaak Ti. . . in my opinion) who doesn't even comprehend odds. All he seems to do is flip a coin and see whether or not he should attack or retreat, and even if it turns out he should attack according to the coin, he still retreats simply out of cowardice. Which doesn't even make any sense, considering he's going up against such foes as Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. Anakin would be to busy crying, and Obi-Wan would be blowing a guy, so it would almost be a guaranteed victory.

Not to mention, C3-PO basically serves the purpose of a barely tolerated housewife. Grievous has a more intolerant attitude toward everything than R2-D2 does, and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if Grievous smacked her everyday just for fun. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me either if C3-PO enjoyed it to. They usually end up sneaking off into the bed chamber with an escort of eight droids with them as they walk into their bedroom, and by the time they get out later, as in ten hours later, they walk out with all eight droids missing and C3-PO missing his vagina and his arm. Those droids were never seen again, but the other droids swear they can still hear their screams when they walk past the bedroom. Or maybe it's just C3-PO getting abused sexually again, whichever comes first. Oh, and did I mention that these two are both guys, as far as I know. (Okay, so admittedly C3-PO's sexuality is questionable, but since it's Christmas, I'll be lenient).

**JOTA (Juno Eclipse and Kota Rahm) **

A couple of uninteresting characters is bad enough, but when those two characters are completely incompatible, it's just unbearable.

Rahm Kota was a Jedi General who seemed incapable of doing anything with any level of competence before Order 66 hit, and then everything just got a whole lot worse. Shaak Ti went on to Felucia and became a smoking hot cougar dressed up in a bikini made of leaves, so that all worked out. But what did Kota do? He just hung around pointlessly for a couple years, sitting on his old ass, while progressively getting uglier. He then formed a sort of small rebellion, which basically amounted to a bunch of pointless damage that had no bearing on reality, and which faded away within a couple days of conception. Then he got into a fight with Starkiller, and he ineviatably lost the battle, also losing his sight. Yet despite this injury, he still managed to somehow survive a several **million feet long **fall down into the atmosphere of Nar Shaddaa. Then he became a drunk old man. How any of that would attract a woman like Juno Eclipse is beyond me.

Rahm Kota is not only a one dimensional character, but he's also incompetent at what he does. For one thing, he can't even beat an old shit like Palpatine even when the Emperor was deprived of his lightsaber and he was battered by Starkiller. After Juno lost Starkiller becuase apparently he was incapable of beating the Emperor too, Rahm attempted to make a move on the blonde, but she pretty much just blew him and knocked him unconscious afterward. Needless to say, Rahm was not pleased by this outcome. Of course, Juno had moved on by then. Since Starkiller's own emotional level had stopped affecting her own, she suddenly gained a personality and started doing everything in her power to get a man hunk. Then the second Starkiller came back, and she suddenly fell right back in love with him somehow. So Rahm commited suicide out of sadness, and everyone else just kinda shrugged their shoulders and started making out for no reasons.

**CAHSOKA (Cad Bane and Anakin Skywalker) **

Since everyone reading this probably knows my feelings about Anakin Skywalker at this point, this shipping is going to be mainly devoted to how ridiculously contrived Cad Bane truly is.

Cad Bane is some randon bounty hunter who no one even knew about until Lucas Arts decided that Boba Fett wasn't enough, instead he wanted to create an even cooler bounty hunter with a synthesized voice and a duster coat like he's some idiot cowboy. Hell, he even had a big ass hat. Yet despite this, we're still supposed to take this guy seriously as if he were actually good at his job. Hell, one time he captured Anakin. He literally had his arms bound and on his knees, without his lightsaber and totally disarmed, but Cad still refused to kill him for some ridiculous reason that makes no sense. This is where the proponents of this shipping swoop in like retards and start spouting their ridiculous theories about how Cad Bane kept Anakin alive because he loved him or some bullshit. Half the time this reason isn't even given within the story, instead they decide that Cad Bane suddenly did a full 360 in terms of behavior before the story took place, and is now in love with the _bitch _for no reason. So Cad Bane, you are a failure.

I've seen this shit happening with Ahsoka to. Everytime I look up the Fandom, I see stories where Cad Bane is now apparently the saint of the universe, because he makes no attempt to torture or even harm Ahsoka despite being a cold blooded killer. Anakin's even worse because he's been the foil to Cad's plans even since he was introduced to the series, and yet they somehow still manage to stay in the same room without getting into a new argument every six seconds. Because a ruthless Bounty Hunter could totally get along with a goody two shoes Jedi like Anakin, right? I mean, is that what these people are going for? Because if they are, they're failing miserably. Who could believe this bullshit? Anyone who's seen any of the seasons of the Clone Wars would know that Cad Bane is not some lovey dovey, dick loving, male whore (As far as I know anyway) who would never go out with a jedi. It doesn't make any sense!

**Merry Christmas everybody! And enjoy the New Year with whoever you're spending it with. Bye! And once again, thanks to Kevin for giving me the idea. **


	22. NOW RATED M

**Now Rated M! **

Disclaimer: Since George Lucas owns Star Wars, even an R Rated movie couldn't save the Star Wars Series.

**SHARIS (Maris Brood and Shaak Ti) **

It's no secret that I adore Shaak Ti as a character. Unfortunately, this means that people are now finding couples on purpose to torture me. Unsurprisingly, that kind of pisses me off. Just for me my ass. . .

So after Shaak Ti turned into the personification of every hot thing in the universe, she decided to go to Felucia, wherein, on the way, she discovered Maris Brood. Maris is a borderline _Goth, _while Shaak is peaceful, bright, and all around a relatively happy individual. You understand, then, why it would appear that this shipping is overwhelmingly illogical. Maris is constantly being tempted to the dark side, whether it's randomly being insubordinate for no reason or simply having a screaming fit over the stupidest thing. By contrast, Shaak Ti is a _Jedi Master! _Yet you expect me to believe that a restrained and wise Jedi could, in any way, fall for the sister of Anakin Skywalker? No, I'm not kidding, I am officially branding Maris Brood the sister of Anakin Skywalker. That is the single worst insult I could conceivably levy at a person, and it's especially insulting considering it's totally true. Not to mention, on a more personal level, Shaak Ti would look far better with General Grievous . . . In my personal opinion, of course.

Also, I'm pretty sure after beating The Force Unleashed about thirty times; it's rather accurate to assume that Shaak Ti died rather painfully right in the middle of the damn game. It's more likely that she did a Felucian Tribal Monkey than she did Maris Brood. Maris was also brought completely to the Dark Side near the end of the game as well, and also nearly fed Bail Organa to the Bull Rancor. And you people in the comments are telling me that Shaak Ti, angel of everything in the universe, could fall for the Demon Incarnate that is Maris Brood? I would classify this girl as morbidly insane, since she _befriended _a Bull Rancor and decided to try and conquer a planet filled with sentient plants and racist Monkey People. Just think about it, a Goth leading a planet of living tentacles and totally subservient monkeys, why do I sense sexual fantasy waiting to happen?

**SAVAJJ (Savage Opress and Asajj Ventress) **

And the Force did look down on Savage and Asajj making love on some beach somewhere, and the Force doth say, "Damn, Asajj has got a bigger ass than I thought."

You know, I never understood what species Savage was. They describe him and his fellows as simply Dathomiri males, although what that's supposed to entail I have no idea. Yet despite this, he's still the brother of Darth Maul, which would make him a Zabrak. And that's another thing, why the hell is Savage related to the single worst Sith Lord in all of recorded history? I mean, Asajj is a pretty worthless and overall pathetic Sith Apprentice, but no one is so stupid they would get together with the **relative **of a bad Sith Lord. That would be like getting together with Luke Skywalker's Nephew. Plus, let's be realistic, a Zabrak and some random white girl? Give me a break! There's no way their conflicting personalities would allow them to get together, especially since Asajj is some dumb bimbo and Savage is just a wannabe Sith, who mysteriously uses a sword for some reason . . .?

Considering that Asajj is Dooku's apprentice, I have no doubt that she was molested at some point in her odd and strangely obscured life. Remember, Dooku has an insane fetish for scars, and since Asajj has collected **plenty **from her constant stream of ineptitude, Dooku must have been all over that ass the moment he saw her. It's like a repeat of Dooku and Rex, except Asajj has a scar on the inside of her, if you know what I'm saying. Anyway, I have no idea, in contrast, what about Asajj's physical side that would attract Savage to her. Let's see: No arbitrary face makeup, no insanity complex, a lack of yellow eyes, and a complete lack of competence. And I hate I hate to bring this up, but considering that Savage is under Asajj's complete control, this entire relationship would be totally one-sided and involuntary, which is not only creepy but also borderline rape. That or total rape, which ever fits the bill better.

**SHAAK TI PARADOX (Shaak Ti and Shaak Ti)**

Yep, that's right, we're going there.

I don't even understand what you assholes are asking to me to do with this shipping, considering it's so weird and random it is beyond my capacity to ridicule it. The explanation given in the comments is that Shaak Ti goes back in time for no specified reason and then proceeds to screw her past self violently and without remorse (That whole without remorse thing was my own addition, but you get the point). Anyway, I'm not sure why it requires me to explain to you dumbasses why it is that this entire thing doesn't make any sense. Not only is the concept of going back in time completely without merit, but anyone who goes back in time with the goal of shoving their fingers up their own past self's vagina is simply unbelievable. What kind of person do you have to be to do such a thing, not Shaak Ti, I can tell you that. Plus, it raises a bunch of totally unnecessary questions . . .

First of all, if one of the Shaak Ti's is brought to orgasm, wouldn't they both be getting an orgasm since they're technically the same person? Second of all, if one of the two resists, yet gets forced on by the other Shaak Ti (Not that I would ever accuse Shaak Ti of such a thing) does that mean Shaak Ti is getting raped by herself? What does that even mean? It's like you're in your bed, and you don't want to masturbate, but somehow you've lost all control of your fingers and they're creeping towards your entrance. Is that what they're implying by this couple? Because if they are, I don't support it in any manner. _Ugh, _you know, excusing the explosion this is causing in my left hemisphere, does anyone even understand the implications of this? If Shaak Ti can go back in time and have sex with herself, that mean's anyone could go back in time and have sex with them. Oh god, DAMN YOU OBI-WAN!

**PALPALEIA (Palpatine and Leia Organa/Solo/Skywalker/Mitth'raw'nuruodo/etc . . . etc . . .)**

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I'm sorry for that protracted intro, but seriously, this entire thing is just wrong on so many levels that even God couldn't topple that damn tower. I don't have a problem with younger people dating people older than them, but when a twenty something year old woman is royally fucking a two thousand year old lump of mold and spider crap, you have got to draw the line. Palpatine is a malevolent Emperor, obsessed with the notion of the being the stupidest individual in the Universe, and he almost succeeded. What part of that is supposed to attract a woman of such 'obvious prestige' as Leia Organa, even when she is just as stupid and utterly ludicrous as he is? Also, Palpatine is possibly the ugliest individual in the entire Universe and or Multiverse. You compare a Yuuzhan Vong and Palpy; you won't notice much of a distinction. And why would Leia Organa, of the **Rebel Alliance**, date the Emperor, head of the **Entire Empire? **And yet you expect me to believe that these morons would get together from the opposite side?

It's utterly preposterous, I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that someone would dare forward the idea that these two could ever enter into any kind of meaningful relationship. I know the Dark Side calls for passions and stuff, but just because you need to use your passions don't mean you should let them blind you and thus make you increasingly stupider. Which is exactly what Palpatine is doing by trying to get with Leia Organa, shrinking his already unsteady intelligence to the point where it ceases to exist, hell, you can't rely on this guy for anything. First, he tries to run the Republic, he failed at that, then he attempted to run an Empire, and he once again failed to accomplish his goal. Then he tried to come back to life more than a thousand times, and he even failed at that. He raised this huge fleet, had the element of surprise, and even managed to lure dumbass Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side, but he still lost! His ineptitude is the only reason I disagree with this shipping, among other reasons.

**JARKILLER PART 2 (Juno Eclipse and Starkiller Clone)**

Pheh, good to see humanity still isn't doing me any favors in the decent shippings department.

The first part two of this entire series and of course, we have to start it off with a shippings that sucks monkey balls, as in **JARKILLER, **except, this time with the new and improved Starkiller clone, who may or may not be a clone, I don't know, the concept was never really explained well in the game. Either way, the fact of the matter is that Juno Eclipse and the Clone of the man she had sex with being in a relationship is so convoluted that I find it morbidly difficult to explain in words, but I shall make the effort. So Starkiller (Who may or may not be cloned) is getting together with the woman he is cloned off of, doesn't that mean that Juno is now dating a different person than the person she was originally dating? I mean, just because he's a clone doesn't mean he's the same person right? He could have a completely different personality than the original Starkiller, but Juno is still sold over him.

This is straight up adultery! Who the hell is Juno with, the original Starkiller or his clone? I can't tell because the distinction was never properly explained in the damn game. What, is she screwing both at the same time? It seems kind of weird that the Starkiller Clone is lusting after the woman of a man that he himself is cloned after, that just makes this entire romance even more complicated. What if Starkiller (The Clone) is mentally deranged? He's a clone that was barely tested, and then is having the memories of a dead man flashing around him at random intervals, specifically Juno. I can't decide whether this guy is having a teenager's wet dream in real life or is just insane, or possibly both. Does it really matter; all that seems to factor here is that Starkiller is just a stupid moron lusting after a girl like a thirteen year old.


	23. Multi Racials and Others

**MULTI-RACIAL . . . AND OTHERS **

**Disclaimer: I don't need no disclaimer bitch, you already know I don't own Star Wars. **

**WANSABER (Obi-Wan Kenobi and . . . His Lightsaber) **

Well this gives a new meaning to dildo devices now doesn't it?

Yeah, let's go ahead and defy all common logic by having even Obi-Wan Kenobi fall in love with his lightsaber. Cause as we all know, Lightsabers just love other people so much that they start developing physical attachments to their owners. When Obi-Wan said, "This weapon is your life," he sure as hell wasn't kidding, in fact, he was taking that entire thing way more literally than was originally assumed. Now yes, Obi-Wan is a slut and a complete moron and it's pretty much a known fact that he collects dildos on the side. But how in the fuck do you fall in love with a LIGHTSABER. That doesn't even make any logical sense. How do you have sex with such a thing other than shoving it up your ass? I guess Obi-Wan has had sex with everything in the Galaxy up to this point and now he's been forced to start screwing inanimate objects more than he already does. How does that make any sense? I don't even fucking know.

You can't even kiss a lightsaber without cutting your damn head off, which I suppose since this is Obi-Wan we're talking about would be an improvement, but still. Who knows what other weirdoes would try that crap. And besides, this is pretty much just rape on the highest possible level. The lightsaber can't speak its feelings, probably because it doesn't have any. And it can't try to cry or show emotion, probably because it lacks the ability to do either of those two. Then again, Obi-Wan don't seem to have the ability to do that anyway, mainly because he's an evil asshole. Also, it's been pretty much proven that Obi-Wan can't sustain a relationship, especially when his partner is incapable of speech or even the most simplistic of human signals.

**KAAK TI (Shaak Ti and Kit Fisto) **

Heh . . . KAAK TI sounds like cock tease . . . Hah, I'm gonna have fun with this one.

Since dildos seem to be a common theme in this chapter, I suppose I'm obligated to reference the fact that Kit Fisto's head looks like a massive sex toy. Now I know, I know, it seems like a preposterous supposition, but let's think about it for a second. He's got eight,_ flexible, green, thick, and long tentacles hanging_ _and whipping_ along the back of his head like something out of a Japanese Porno. Oh come on, you've thought about it to. But seriously though, I've always found it pretty ridiculous that any council member get together with anyone considering they're the ranking Jedi of the order, and they're so dedicated to celibacy that it's damn near impossible to screw them or do anything with them. It's even stupider when two get together with each other when it's pretty clear that none of them actually like each other like that. Hell, I still don't think Kit Fisto's relationship with Aayla Secura ever occurred in reality. You know how unlikely it is that those two got together?

When have these two ever met in the entire Star Wars saga. I cannot think of one time these two ever interacted during the war or even before it. They were never partners, they never talked, and I'm pretty sure they never got into any sort of serious relationship with each other. Now I can't blame him for trying, considering she looked so hot in her Force Unleashed appearance, then again, he was dead so I guess he couldn't really enjoy it. And another thing, Kit died due to Palpatine, while Shaak Ti was ways away from him. So if Fisto is dead, when exactly were they supposed to foster a relationship on Felucia of all places? And just as a side note, I would still prefer it if Shaak Ti got together with General Grievous, you know, in my opinion.

**ONYBODY PART 2 (OCs and Anyone . . . Again) **

Really, we're going back to this again? Fine, let me count for you the amount of Mary Sues in this Fandom alone.

It only took ten thousand days for me to count out the amount of Mary Sues and Gary Sues in this god forsaken Fandom. I figured I would talk about one specific story that we've all seen before. You know what I'm talking about, the one where Anakin Skywalker divorces Padme Amidala and then goes ahead and remarries the Mary Sue for literally no reason. And it all happens within the time span of maybe a month. Or what about the one where Anakin has an affair with the Mary Sue and then gets caught by someone and everyone shits their pants in shock for some reason. My point is that that all of these are just completely preposterous. Anakin is an emo, hopeless Goth with a depression issue and a tendency to cut _everything_, that's what I've been saying since the very first chapter. So no one, no matter how positively retarded, could possibly fall in love with the guy when all he does is glare and bitch about everything in his life. Hell, the one thing he had going for him was his looks, but then even those got burned away by freakin lava.

And then there are the OC relationships with fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi god Damnit! Where the fuck did these OCs even come from in the first place! It's like they just spontaneously appeared one day exactly when the story started and everyone is just now becoming aware of their existence. You would think that if she's so perfect, Obi-Wan would have invaded her eerie canal way beforehand. Then again she's a total bitch, so I suppose that would explain why. Maybe Ahsoka would be a more suitable fit for the Mary and or Gary Sue. They're both total bitches and neither of them have any real purpose to the story, and any that they do have are completely contrived and arbitrary. And for any of the apes that still read this story, it pretty much means that they're completely pointless. And for God sake, stop with the damn Self-Inserts!

**HEEDO (Han Solo and Greedo)**

Wow, talk about a bad break up.

Yeah, Han Solo shot first all right . . . Into Greedo's greedy ASS! This relationship is a disaster, especially when their first date consisted of Han having sex with an old man and Greedo being shot. In fact, in what other moment did these two ever interact? In addition, I'm almost positive that this was the result of a blind date. EHarmony added a new feature that allowed for humans to start molesting aliens of all kinds, specifically green men. I never knew Han Solo had a thing for Martians, but then again Greedo wasn't called the 'Greedy Little Hunter' for nothing. But let's be honest people, I think we all know Greedo was really hunting DAT ASS. Okay, for real, I think we can tell these two are completely incompatible. Han Solo is a super important man, leader and pimp son of Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Greedo is just some minor character that literally had next to no role other than to illustrate Solo's debt problems.

We know literally next to nothing about Greedo other than the fact that he's just some bounty hunter Jabba called up to do his dirty work. Who knows what kind of backstory this guy has, and how are we supposed to know that his old life would mix with Han Solo's deprived and poor background. Not to mention, Greedo is completely incapable of being in any sense of the word, a badass. These two's personalities completely do not mix in any possible way. Han Solo is daring, cocky, unintelligent, and also a pimp. Greedo is the exact opposite of that, in fact, that's probably the reason he didn't shoot first. He was probably too busy calculating angles and probability. Wait a minute, I get it . . . Greedo was the very first Asian!

**LOLO (Lando Calrissian and Han Solo) **

Have we ever had shippings with Lando Calrissian? Eh, it doesn't matter, he sucks anyway.

The only other black guy in the Star Wars Universe if you don't count Chewbacca, and he's paired up with the third most powerful pimp in the Galaxy, what a great fucking plan! So I hate to sound horribly racist, but considering that Lando has a dick about nineteen feet long, I'm assuming that Han Solo got torn out the anus. Now before I get flamed in the comments, in my defense, Han Solo probably deserved it for being the son of Obi-Wan Kenobi. And besides, I'm pretty sure these two have quite the rivalry because Han Solo basically stole the Millennium Falcon from Lando because of some stupid card game, and they've never been quite the same. Also, it's pretty clear early on that Lando has really got the hots for Leia Organa, to which I have to question his sanity, but atleast Leia's a woman. And I think Han hates Lando to. Every time Lando makes a move on Leia, Han just gets this really mad look on his face like he's constipated or something.

And speaking of constipation, does anyone remember back when Lando pretty much screwed Han over by betraying him to Darth Vader and having him frozen in carbonite? You know, that was a sort of important event I think for Han Solo. But hey, the oh so forgiving Han Solo who mercilessly shot Greedo in the chest is just great at forgiving a person after he's been torn away from the people he loves by that same person. Yeah with a relationship starter like that, what could possibly go wrong between the two of them? I'm thinking horrible rape followed by abandonment, but hey you guys write this stuff, so take that idea and put it down you know. Yeah, I'm kidding by the way, the Fanfiction Administrators will tear that down pretty damn fast. Which kind of makes me wonder why this story is still up . . . .?


End file.
